Saturday, April 2, 2011

What have I done to deserve this?

As I sit and think about what I have been through in my life I wonder what I have done to deserve this. Now some might think that I'm having a pity party for myself.

So when I was a very young girl my dad was in a car accident. He was left paralyzed from his shoulders down. I was only 7 when this happened but it made a huge impact on my life. When I was 17 my mom and dad got divorced. Yet another trial in life that played a role in who I was and who I would later become. I got married at 17 in a fit of rebellion. I was married for 3 years. My ex-husband and I got along from time to time but he was addicted to drugs. I soon found myself divorced after splitting up EIGHT time in the 3 years we were together. Just when then sun started shinning I found the love of my life, Ryan. Things we going good. We got pregnant (unexpected) and we thrilled. We delivered Carly 3 months early and she only lived for 4 months before passing away from a heart defect. Exactly 2 weeks after Carly passed away my little brother was in a car accident. He was air lifted to the hospital. He was in a natural coma and we were told to hope for the best but expect the worst. They didn't think he would survive but he did. It was a very trying time right after losing Carly. I felt like I couldn't breathe, like my world was completely gone. My life would never be the same again. While spending every waking moment at my brothers side I found out I was pregnant again. Sadly at 32 weeks our 2nd daughter Hannah passed away. She was born sleeping (stillborn). One year after losing Hannah we started to try again for another baby. I got pregnant on the first try. It wasn't without fear though. I started to bleed at 33 weeks and was put on bed rest. Noah was born at 35 weeks and was in the hospital for 2 weeks in the neonatal intensive care unit. He has been a sick baby with all his airway issues. He has finally just had surgery (read prior post) and is coming home tomorrow (praying he does anyways).

OK so that's my story in a nutshell (if you didn't already know).

Deserve what you ask?

Well why do I deserve the love and grace of God? Why do I deserve to be given a beautiful LIVING son? What have I ever done for him to continue to love me and continue to protect me? What have I done to deserve the strength and courage he has given me? What about the peace, why should I deserve that? His love is never ending, never failing. What about MY love for him? Sure I love Him but do I show it everyday like He does to me? No. I'm am and will always be a sinner. I try to do good but I still fall. I'm not strong like people think I am. I have a short temper and far from perfect. I haven't been to church since December 2010. Noah has been sick and we just can't take him in public. Soon that will all change no that cold and flu season are over. Still though, I don't read the Bible like I know I should. I have found that I have fallen away from the relationship that I use to have with Jesus. I need to find it again. I'm given so much and the least I could do in return is be the friend He is to me. So what have I done to deserve His love? NOTHING! That's just it! I'm the most IMPERFECT person there is! I'm a sinner. I do wrong everyday. I think thoughts that I shouldn't think and I say words I shouldn't say. I pray daily but it seems as if it's the same ole prayer day in and day out. I don't "talk" to Him like I use to. Still He is there. I may have slipped away but He has stood FIRM. You could never ask for a better friend than Jesus.

So if you think you are to bad for God or that you are in a tough spot and that God just wouldn't accept you, you are wrong. He wants you just as you are for just WHO you are. No matter what YOU do He will ALWAYS love you! You just have to ask him into your heart. You have to trust and know that Jesus IS the son of God and that He was crucified on the cross to die for our sins. You have to trust and believe that in 3 days He rose again. If you believe those things and ask Him into your heart He will love and protect you too. It's a love like none other. None of us humans deserve the love that He gives but He loves us anyways!

It's like trying to love your BFF if she slept with your husband. Could you still be her friend? God would, it's THAT kind of love.


Subin Hutton said...

Dear Sis in Christ,

I came to this blog through the video that you posted in youtube about Carly. Im a hardcore follower of jesus christ and your testimony enlightened the spirit inside of me. I'm also hoping and dreaming of the lovely life that we are gonna get after our life in this earth. We just need to finish our race here and need to fulfill god's mission.

Love you, husband and all the family members including little Noah. My god bless you more and do write more for our abba father Jesus Christ.

A humble servant of god from India.

Subin Hutton

Rooted. said...

Rachel - You ARE an amazing woman - mother and wife. You are a true inspiration.
We ALL fall back sometimes - do things, say things and act in ways that aren't true to ourselves.
You are so beautiful because of your honesty. <3

Natalie Marie said...

I am a believer as well, and I know we all have our ups and downs as far as our relationship with the Lord goes. I just want you to know that you are an amazing woman/wife/mother. I watch your videos on youtube and I am always so amazed at how much faith you have. Your stories bring me to tears and give me inspiration to keep going. You are such a strong person! I am sure that you will be very very blessed one day (even more than you are now) because you always stand firm and don't let satan tear you down. I am so proud of you and I will pray for you and Noah. And surely when you die, many many years from now and go to heaven and meet your angel babies again, God will say "Well done, my good and faithful servant!"
God Bless and Good Luck

Natalie Marie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Unknown said...

So thankful over and over again for God's love, mercy, and forgiveness.

Unknown said...

You have a very lovely blog and I love the name. It should stay.

I am your newest follower from Mom Blog Network. I hope you have a blessed day!


The Swann's said...

So beautifully written... So very true. I am struggling with this myself, wavering due to circumstances. May God bless you and your family!