Today Hannah would be a year old. It's was around this time last year that I was having an ultrasound after not feeling Hannah move for a while. I remember laying in the bed as 2 nurses silently searched for a heart beat. I remember hearing my own heart in hope it was Hannah's. I remember the unspoken fear I had as I seen the worry deep in the nurses eyes and they continued to search with no such luck. I remember talking silently to Hannah asking her to move just once. I remember the fear when the nurse said she was leaving to call the doctor. I knew that it couldn't be good. I seen Hannah on the ultrasound for the last time that day. She was still. Her heart ad stopped. I could barely breath. I felt as if my heart had been ripped from my chest. How could this have happened again? I laid there silently on the bed after holding on to Ryan for several minutes just crying. I kept praying to God to make a miracle happen and let her move just once. Nothing happened. She remained still. I lay there numb on the bed as I awaited morning so my doctor could come in and do my c-section. As I waited for the doctor I couldn't decide if I wanted to be awake or asleep for the surgery. Part of me didn't want to face the reality of going through a c-section that would result in delivering my dead child. Part of me wouldn't be able to forgive myself for not being a witness to the birth of my daughter who I had carried for 8 months. I'm glad I decided to stay awake. The moment I saw her I was in awe! She was the most beautiful baby girl. She looked so sweet and innocent. I was in love. I kissed her and loved her for a little bit. I couldn't believe something so wonderful was growing in me for those 8 months. After recovery I got to a room. We got to spent the whole day loving on Hannah. My whole family came to see our sweet angel. It was a sad day, yet a joyful one at the same time. I miss her dearly, but I know that I will see her again. I take comfort and strength in the Lord.
Now, from the Secret Garden.
If you created a bedroom for your baby tell us what it was like.
Hannah's bedroom was done in butterflies. It was a lavender purple color. SO cute. I did it all myself by time I was 25 weeks. The beautiful white crib sat the the left and changing table to the right. The room was warm. It brought a sense of peace as I would walk into the room each and every night. I would day dream of having Hannah in the crib. I would think about what it would be like to hold her and rock her to sleep. What it would be like to sit in the stillness of the room and bond through nursing.
Did you have it ready for them before they were born?
Yes, I had Hannah's room ready by time I was 25 weeks pregnant. I was in need of nothing at that point. I had so many clothes that Hannah wouldn't even get to wear them all. I had the stroller and car seat, pack-n-play, diapers, and everything in between. Everything was perfect.
If so how did you cope coming home to it without your baby?
It was hard at first. I would go into Hannah's room and just stare off into space. I would think that I should be loving on her here in this room. I sometimes would hold my belly and just cry.
Did you pack it all away?
No. We took everything back to Babies R Us. They were great. They asked no questions. They took back stuff that was open and ready to be used. It was hard for me to take everything back because I felt like I was giving up the very last things I had of Hannah. All her clothes and diapers and what-nots got sold to a lady on craigslist. The lady was super nice. She was buying all my things for her daughter who was pregnant at the time. When they got ready to leave the lady was telling me about her losing her daughter years ago. She went on to tell me that her daughter's name was Hannah. I smiled and told her my daughter's name was Hannah too. We embraced each other then said our goodbyes.
What is your baby's room now?
Now, Hannah's room is empty. It hold the clothing that comes in for the preemie clothing drive that I hold in memory of Hannah's older sister, Carly. The room gets so packed with clothing, but every 3 months we donate a portion to Levine Children's Hospital NICU. I still go in there from time to time and think of how the room use to look. I think about what Hannah would look like today and how she would be playing in her room with her toys.
If you are trying to conceive again, or are pregnant again how do you feel about setting up another room before your baby is born?
We are trying to conceive again now. I'm very scared to set up another baby room to say the least. I keep telling Ryan all I want to buy is a pack of diapers, a box of wipes and a few articles of clothing. I 'm afraid to buy anything till I know for sure that I'm going to get to bring a baby home to love here on earth. I tell Ryan that we can buy a car seat and crib once we deliver a healthy baby. That's how I feel now. I'm not sure if I'll have the same take on things when I actually become pregnant again. It almost feels as if setting up another room is taboo.