Monday, December 29, 2008

In Memory Of Carly....Preemie Onesie Drive

I'm holding my first annual preemie onesie drive in memory of Carly. The donations will be given to the babies and famlies at the hospital's NICU where Carly lived her 4 months of life. For more information please visit preemieonesiedrive.blogspot.com

Saturday, December 27, 2008

PLEASE HELP!!!!

Please read the following blog to see how you can help the preemies in the neonatal intensive care unit (NICU) in memory of Carly, my daughter who passed away after a 4 month battle in the NICU.

http://preemieonesiedrive.blogspot.com/


This is a new blog I have started.

Saturday, December 20, 2008

A Good Story

God How Can You Use Me In The Condition I'm In?
"God how can you use me in the condition I'm in?" I have asked that question more than once in my life.

It was a hot summer day; I tried filling it to capacity. Despite being a young mother of four active children I still found time that morning to take in a round of golf with the girls. The afternoon was spent with my kids at the local recreation club to which we belong. I worked at perfecting my diving skills while the kids splashed and played, soaking up the sun's penetrating rays. The late afternoon and evening, we spent at the ball field where our oldest son played Little League baseball.

I noticed dizziness and a blurring of my vision but brushed it off thinking I had just over done in the heat of the day. Over the next weeks the symptoms only worsened and I was hospitalized and given the diagnosis of Multiple Sclerosis.

That conclusion was reached over thirty years ago. I was less than happy with the verdict but did not let it defeat me. I have never really blamed anything or anyone for the sentence that was doled out to me that day. I did question what the revenge of such a disease would mostly mean and what were my options for treatment. I then decided to live my life the best I could in spite of the likely conclusions I was apt to face.

I have never been able to understand how people can blame God turning against Him blaming Him for the misfortunes that come to their lives. It's in the valleys of my life that I need God the most. He is where I draw my strength. I'm not saying I have never called out asking Him "Why?" That is only human nature and I am sure God understands our anguish; after all Jesus called out as He hung on the cross, “My God, my God, why has thou forsaken me?"

I've always taken my circumstances pretty much in stride. I've cried of course and wished things were different. I've mourned for the way things use to be, but I've gone on the best that I could, doing most of the things that I wanted using first one aide and then another. I've been down and depressed at times, I can't deny that. I've been scared to death of what tomorrow might hold and I still have those fears to this day. My biggest fear is that I may become a burden to my love ones. I fear to some extent I already have. Being a very independent person before my illness, dependence on another has always been my biggest concern.

Through the years I have had some bad times; I've seen more and more of my abilities wane from me. MS has tried to suck the very essences of who I am. I have lived with numbness for years; I have experienced blurred and double vision. Pain has been a part of my persona and medications has almost doubled my size. Medicines have weakened my bones; falls have resulted in painful breaks. My unsteady walk gave in to the use of a cane, then two canes, then a wheelchair on occasions, then to the full time use of a three wheel motorized scooter. I no longer drive a car and depend on others to take me to the places I want to go. I have been so tired and weak at times I just wanted to die. Besides physical problems I have experienced family problems, financial and business problems. Like everyone else I have faced my share of adversities.

My husband and family have always been there for me, yet they have not always understood. The doctors even do not realize the extent of difficulties and suffering MS people deal with. Through all of my hardships and trials though, there has always been someone beside me that I could count on, that is Jesus Christ my Lord and Savior. He knows of my afflictions, He suffered far more than I. He realizes my distress when others fail to understand, for He too was misunderstood.

I have prayed for God to keep me on my feet; I didn't have to resort to my three-wheel scooter until my children were all raised, that was a blessing and an answer to prayer. I have prayed for a healing; I've prayed for the ability to rise above this disease to endure it, to witness in spite of it. I have asked Him time and time again, "How can you use me in the condition I'm in?" It was then that He directed me to this passage in the Bible:

2 Corinthians Chapter 12 verses 7 through 10 in the Living Bible, it reads: Because these experiences I had were so tremendous, God was afraid I might be puffed up by them; so I was given a physical condition which has been a thorn in my flesh, a messenger from Satan to hurt and bother me, and prick my pride. Three times I begged God to make me well again.

Each time he said, No. But I am with you; that is all you need. My power shows up best in weak people. Now I am glad to boast about how weak I am; I am glad to be a living demonstration of Christ power, instead of showing off my own power and abilities. Since I know it is all for Christ's good, I am quite happy about insults and hardships, persecutions and difficulties; for when I am weak, then I am strong -- the less I have, the more I depend on him.

I am no saint, just ask my husband! But because of Christ in my life and His walking beside me, carrying me at times, I'm able to hold my head high and continue on. I have not always been someone God could be proud of; I've not always been proud of myself. But because of God's goodness and His love and forgiveness and His strength I can face whatever may lie before me. I pray that through the sickness I must endure and the weakness that grips me, that He may be seen in my spirit and that the love I have for Him may spill over to those my life touches. For without Him I am nothing; with Him I am everything He wants me to be. When I am weak, then He is strong; the less I have, the more I depend on Him. My prayer now is, "God use me in whatever condition I'm in."

By Betty King
Submitted by Richard
“One Nation Under God”

I found this story on christianfourms.com. This may not be my exact situation but I can relate to this story in so many ways. It makes me feel better about what life has given to me in the hopes that God used my tragedy to His glory!

Monday, December 15, 2008

Dear God,

I come to you now laying Kayleigh at your feet. Father you know her struggles and you know her family's fears and concerns. Father I pray to you know that you watch over sweet Kayleigh and heal her tiny body. I pray that you allow her to grow quickly and overcome this battle with hypertension. I pray that these new meds the doctors are using work and work fast. I ask you to give Kayleigh the strength and courage to continue fighting. I pray that you give her parents the strength and courage to continue through this battle with Kayleigh. Give them peace as well. Father I have no clue why things happen the way they do. And I have no clue as to why things happen to certin people. But Father I trust in you to lead, guide and direct us in all we encounter. We know you don't cause things to happen but we KNOW that you will give us what we need to carry on. We can only keep faith in knowing that You are God and that You will never leave nor forsake us. Father You have given us Your Son Christ to die on a cross for our sins so that we can live eternally with you in heaven. Such a large sacrafice makes the things we go through so small. But You know Father that to us the obstacals we face in life are hard on us. And I know that you are always there to comfort us and catch our tears as they fall. Father Kayleigh and her family need you right now! They need you to let them know that you are still God and You are still with them! They need you to comfort them. I pray that You do all these things and that You just give them the peace in knowing that You will hold and comfort them no matter what! Again Father I just pray that you wrap you arms around Kayleigh and heal her little body. Hold Adam and Ammie as they go through this with her. We are waiting on you Lord. And we have faith in knowing Your will be done! Father lay your hands on the doctors and allow them to quickly know and treat any old or new problems that may come Kayleighs way. Give the doctors the knowledge to care for her in the way that needs to be done. Father we love you and give you all the honor, praise and glory. Thank You so much for all the things you have given to us and Kayleigh's family. Thank You for all You've done, are doing, and will do. We praise You and thank You, in Jesus name...Amen

Saturday, December 6, 2008

Our First Counseling Session Today!

We went to the counselor today. It started off talking about our children, my brother, Ryan losing his grandfather all this year. Then it steered off into our relationship with each other. **Which needs work let me tell ya!** So any ways we were able to openly and honestly Communicate to each other. It was really great to actually hear things from each other that otherwise we wouldn't talk about. We are gonna have grief counseling throughout this process but as well as couples counseling. This was a FANTASTIC session! We both got sooooo much from it. We even kept openly talking once we got in the car all the way back to Ryan's work. The counselor is around our age and I think that's great as she will be able to relate more to us than a 60 year old person would. I think this was a big step for us in the right direction to get ourselves where we want to be with each other and our emotions. We go back again next Thursday.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

WHY????

Well I guess today that's the BIg question. I've been so strong. I've held back all tears and any sorta of emotion you would normally think to see in a mother who has just lost her child, let alone 2 in the same year. I've held others as they feel weak and tell them things are gonna be ok. But I stand there as a solid stone without a crack. How can this be? How can a mother who lost 2 children be so strong? I keep asking myself that question. Am I cold? Do I have no heart? What's wrong with me. I keep telling myself and others that it's God giving me the strength. And I KNOW that He does but why do I feel like I'm not grieving? I feel like the worst mother ever! I LOVE my girls. And today I find myself crying asking the question, WHY? Why can't I have them? Why must they leave? Why do I have to be faced with never being able to bear children of my own? Why does everyone else have a happy go lucky pregnancy? Why are mine always so hard? Why not just one more minute? Why not me instead? I want my girls so bad! I want to hold them and never let them go. I wanna tell 'em how much I love them. I wanna see their first smiles and hear their first words. See them take their first steps. Go on their first date. I want all those things and yet they have been taken from me. I've wanted so bad to be a mother from the time I was a little girl. And I feel like that day will never come.

Ryan and I finally start grief counseling this Saturday at 1:30 with a christian based group. I have a feeling that she may pull feelings that I've buried deep down for so long out and I may end up being a basket case. But non the less they have to come out I know. I just really hope and pray that this along with prayers helps us get through this.

We are still unsure as to what happened. And I know I never posted anything other than the video. But at 32 weeks Hannah stopped moving. I felt her early morning an the 7th of November but never thought much of it afterwards. Then by 12 midnight I realized I hadn't felt her move in a long time. So I went to the ER and was sent directly to L&D and through u/s they noticed that her heart had stopped beating. I delivered her sometime after 9am that morning. She was so beautiful. I had complication during my delivery and almost lost my uterus. I was advised though to not try and conceive again though as it could put my life at risk. They sent my placenta out to pathology and it came back with an infection in there. I also had an infection with Carly. Not sure how I got an infection either times seeing as how my membranes NEVER ruptured. An autopsy was done on Hannah later that night on the day she was born. So far nothing has come back. We are hoping to have more info on that at my next appointment on the 18th of Dec.

Death Leaves A Heartache That NO ONE can heal...
LOVE Leaves A Memory That No One Can Steal!
Love you girls! I know we'll meet again someday! <3