Tuesday, December 2, 2008


Well I guess today that's the BIg question. I've been so strong. I've held back all tears and any sorta of emotion you would normally think to see in a mother who has just lost her child, let alone 2 in the same year. I've held others as they feel weak and tell them things are gonna be ok. But I stand there as a solid stone without a crack. How can this be? How can a mother who lost 2 children be so strong? I keep asking myself that question. Am I cold? Do I have no heart? What's wrong with me. I keep telling myself and others that it's God giving me the strength. And I KNOW that He does but why do I feel like I'm not grieving? I feel like the worst mother ever! I LOVE my girls. And today I find myself crying asking the question, WHY? Why can't I have them? Why must they leave? Why do I have to be faced with never being able to bear children of my own? Why does everyone else have a happy go lucky pregnancy? Why are mine always so hard? Why not just one more minute? Why not me instead? I want my girls so bad! I want to hold them and never let them go. I wanna tell 'em how much I love them. I wanna see their first smiles and hear their first words. See them take their first steps. Go on their first date. I want all those things and yet they have been taken from me. I've wanted so bad to be a mother from the time I was a little girl. And I feel like that day will never come.

Ryan and I finally start grief counseling this Saturday at 1:30 with a christian based group. I have a feeling that she may pull feelings that I've buried deep down for so long out and I may end up being a basket case. But non the less they have to come out I know. I just really hope and pray that this along with prayers helps us get through this.

We are still unsure as to what happened. And I know I never posted anything other than the video. But at 32 weeks Hannah stopped moving. I felt her early morning an the 7th of November but never thought much of it afterwards. Then by 12 midnight I realized I hadn't felt her move in a long time. So I went to the ER and was sent directly to L&D and through u/s they noticed that her heart had stopped beating. I delivered her sometime after 9am that morning. She was so beautiful. I had complication during my delivery and almost lost my uterus. I was advised though to not try and conceive again though as it could put my life at risk. They sent my placenta out to pathology and it came back with an infection in there. I also had an infection with Carly. Not sure how I got an infection either times seeing as how my membranes NEVER ruptured. An autopsy was done on Hannah later that night on the day she was born. So far nothing has come back. We are hoping to have more info on that at my next appointment on the 18th of Dec.

Death Leaves A Heartache That NO ONE can heal...
LOVE Leaves A Memory That No One Can Steal!
Love you girls! I know we'll meet again someday! <3


Amber said...

I am so, so, so, sorry. I could never say that enough. And so that is all I am going to say. I will be praying for you and your husband. I am so sorry....may Jesus give you comfort and peace right now.

Amanda said...

I am so very sorry for both of your losses. I wont say I know exactly but our stories are eerily similar. I found out in March 07 I was pregnant. Great pregnancy and then at 31 wks didnt feel her move and went to hospital where I found out that she had passed. Emma LaRue was born sleeping on 9/1/07. 3 months later we again were pregnant. Logan was due on 8/19/08. I went in for my weekly check up on 8/1/08 OB couldnt find heartbeat so we went to hospital which is ajoining and I again heard those awful words. It will be 4 months on Thursday and well I am taking it one day at a time. ((((HUGS)))) and if you ever need to talk, vent feel free. Email is manzanita0802@yahoo.com. Take care of youself.

Carly said...

Oh Rachel,

I remember maybe 6 months ago I stumbled across Carly's video on youtube. The image of you bathing Carly after she had left for heaven is burned on my heart. I cried for a week after I watched it. I prayed and prayed for little Hannah to be born alive and healthy. I remember praying for you on my blog when I first started writing.

Why why why?! I don't know why this has happened to such a beautiful person.

You are grieving even though you feel numb. Your heart is probably still in shock with everything that has happened. I wish more than anything that you could keep your girls.

I hope that you continue to share your heart here and that you feel safe to do so. You have a lot of friends at this place.

I know this does not help much but when we get to Heaven this life will seem but the blink of an eye, and the why's won't worry you anymore. For now I pray that your faith does not waver. You will see your sweet girls again. May God wrap a warm blanket of peace around you.

Sending you much love across the sea

Carly x

carly@namesinthesand.net (If you ever want to talk :) )

Nichole said...

Rachel I have followed your story for quite a while now and I would again like to say that I am sorry for your loss. I thought that maybe I could provide an answer to one of your why questions. Sometimes, viruses can cross the placental barrier during pregnancy and infect the fetus. This usually happens when the mother has never encountered that particular virus before and thus does not have preexisting antibodies (IgG) in her blood stream ready to fight the viral infection, which gives it kind of a head start. This gives is the opportunity to get to the fetus, which in late pregnancy can produce its own antibodies (IgM) to fight immediate infection, but not enough. And, the type of antibody that is formed against primary infections can't cross the placental barrier, so eventhough the mother is simultaneously making the same thing, hers cannot help the baby.
I hope this helpps a little.

Manda Lee said...

You are such a strong and beautiful woman. I was pointed to your blog by Adam and Aimee Freeman. I have been following their blog for some time now. I just wanted to let you know that I think about you and your family very often and pray for you all. You are such a strong woman and God is going to take care of you. Take Care. God Bless.

Sara said...

I can only imagine asking WHY? That seems the natural thing to ask. I have asked that for you.

I am so sorry for your loss - both of your girls. You are so strong - just to survive that type of loss. I cannot imagine going through it again - losing Samuel was too much the first time.

I pray for you and your husband.

Carlie1964 said...

Please accept my sympathies. May you find peace someday.

Abby and Jeremy said...

I found your blog through someone who had subscribed to both of ours. I lost my angel Brody on November 12- he lived 2 hours. I have had feelings very similar to yours. There are moments when I am so strong, wondering how I can be this strong....but then other times I completely break down. I feel angry, then Im at total peace. I am constantly longs for him to be in my arms. Anyways just know that I feel for your. Losing a child really sucks, thats all Ive been able to say since I lost Brody.

Michelle said...

Hey there! Please know that I was with you when I had Trevor. I had the infection in the placenta and they couldn't figure out how I got it either. He struggled and is still struggling. It took me a long time to go to the grief state. Don't think it makes you a "cold" mother. I wouldn't think that in the least!! Everyone takes grief in different ways.

I'm glad to hear that your counseling went well! That is fantastic and a blessing. Keep going and stay strong within your relationship.
(((Hugs))) Shelly aka momof2in1yr from premature infants

paulac83 said...

Oh honey... I bawled reading this... I have also lost a child to a heart defect, and have also had a micro preemie who is now 11 weeks old and still in the NICU... I have battled/am battling the same things you have fought for... I have felt your loss and your pain and all the crazy emotions that you are feeling. I have also felt the numbness and the guilt for not greiving like I felt I should be... Thanks for making me feel like I'm not alone... I'm not the only one who has dealt with all this sorrow and pain from having back to back sick babies... God bless you...

dragonflyz in June said...


I stumbled upon your video in memory of Carly, and I will never forget you or her. The images of you holding her after she passed away, the bathing, the preparation for burial, they will be with me forever. I was so sad to learn that you have lost another angel, Hannah is perfect, absolutely beautiful.

Every time I think of you and your girls, my heart breaks for you all over again and I weep for you.

You are a wonderful and loving woman, the strongest woman I know. To have gone through such heartbreaking trials and still put on a brave face, I never once thought that you don't love your girls, your love is so evident in every photo of you with them!

I have not had easy pregnancies, I had two miscarriages before finally having my son, the first loss was harder to handle, but after losing my second baby, I felt broken, like I would never have a baby of my own. Over time, the heart heals, my trust in God and my desire to be a mother was stronger than anything else. We tried again and were blessed with our son. The pregnancy was spent on bedrest, and ended in a C-Section, but the journey was worth it.

You and your husband are in my prayers, I KNOW in my heart that you will have children, one day you will be blessed with an angel to take care of, to take home and raise and guide through life! It will happen.

God Bless You both!