Well I guess today that's the BIg question. I've been so strong. I've held back all tears and any sorta of emotion you would normally think to see in a mother who has just lost her child, let alone 2 in the same year. I've held others as they feel weak and tell them things are gonna be ok. But I stand there as a solid stone without a crack. How can this be? How can a mother who lost 2 children be so strong? I keep asking myself that question. Am I cold? Do I have no heart? What's wrong with me. I keep telling myself and others that it's God giving me the strength. And I KNOW that He does but why do I feel like I'm not grieving? I feel like the worst mother ever! I LOVE my girls. And today I find myself crying asking the question, WHY? Why can't I have them? Why must they leave? Why do I have to be faced with never being able to bear children of my own? Why does everyone else have a happy go lucky pregnancy? Why are mine always so hard? Why not just one more minute? Why not me instead? I want my girls so bad! I want to hold them and never let them go. I wanna tell 'em how much I love them. I wanna see their first smiles and hear their first words. See them take their first steps. Go on their first date. I want all those things and yet they have been taken from me. I've wanted so bad to be a mother from the time I was a little girl. And I feel like that day will never come.
Ryan and I finally start grief counseling this Saturday at 1:30 with a christian based group. I have a feeling that she may pull feelings that I've buried deep down for so long out and I may end up being a basket case. But non the less they have to come out I know. I just really hope and pray that this along with prayers helps us get through this.
We are still unsure as to what happened. And I know I never posted anything other than the video. But at 32 weeks Hannah stopped moving. I felt her early morning an the 7th of November but never thought much of it afterwards. Then by 12 midnight I realized I hadn't felt her move in a long time. So I went to the ER and was sent directly to L&D and through u/s they noticed that her heart had stopped beating. I delivered her sometime after 9am that morning. She was so beautiful. I had complication during my delivery and almost lost my uterus. I was advised though to not try and conceive again though as it could put my life at risk. They sent my placenta out to pathology and it came back with an infection in there. I also had an infection with Carly. Not sure how I got an infection either times seeing as how my membranes NEVER ruptured. An autopsy was done on Hannah later that night on the day she was born. So far nothing has come back. We are hoping to have more info on that at my next appointment on the 18th of Dec.
Death Leaves A Heartache That NO ONE can heal...
LOVE Leaves A Memory That No One Can Steal!
Love you girls! I know we'll meet again someday! <3