My Angels In Heaven...Life After Loss

Find Me On YouTube

2012-01-02T15:27:00.002-05:00

I no longer blog but I do however VLOG. So go check me out on youtube for daily life vlogs, life after loss vlogs, crafting vlogs, cooking vlogs, trying to conceive vlogs and hopefully soon more pregnancy vlogs. Don't forget to subscribe when you get there so you can keep up with all of my new videos.
http://youtube.com/user/carlynicoleelliotte

See you there! :)

Thirsties Is At It Again! A NEW Giveaway!

2011-06-19T22:10:00.000-04:00

Ok so if you don't already know, I just won Thirsties Thursday Giveaway! How exciting!? I just won 2 Thirsties Duo Diapers. You can have a chance to win too! They have another giveaway going on now. It's easy to enter.
You can't go wrong with this amazing company. Their products are 100% USA made as well as made by work at home moms. You can't beat that! This is by far the most "Green" company I have found! Great products for an even better price! So what are you waiting for? GO check them out and win a cloth diaper from them to see for yourself!

Thirsties Thursday Giveaway <---Enter There!

Looking For A Great Cloth Diaper Giveaway? Look No Further!

2011-06-14T22:24:00.000-04:00

Ok so I have another amazing giveaway for you ladies (and gents). This giveaway is not being hosted by me but rather sponsored AND hosted by Thirsties. If you haven't watched my recent review on Thirsties Diaper Covers you should check that out also. I'll leave some links below. You can't go wrong with this amazing company. Their products are 100% USA made as well as made by work at home moms. You can't beat that! This is by far the most "Green" company I have found! Great products for an even better price! So what are you waiting for? GO check them out and win a cloth diaper from them to see for yourself!

Giveaway: http://www.thirstiesbaby.com/blog/thirsties-thursday-giveaway-2/#comment-1544

Review: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ANyRBlUI3es

My Wonderful Walls Stencil Kit Review & Giveaway ($100 value)

2011-06-14T11:57:00.001-04:00

This is by far the best home decor product I have ever purchased and used. It is super easy and would even be a great project to have your older kids involved in. This stencil kit is a quick way to spice up your nursery, childs rooms, and even playroom. You will have professional looking walls for a fraction of the cost. Check out my video review below. Don't forget to enter the giveaway too, so you too can have an amazing room for your child!

Giveaway Rules: You are entering to win a $100 GC to My Wonderful Walls at http://mywonderfulwalls.com

Remember, you must complete the mandatory entry in order for your extra entries to count (entries without the mandatory first entry will be discarded)!

Mandatory:
You Must be subscribed to my YouTube channel. http://youtube.com/user/carlynicoleelliotte

Go to My Wonderful Walls http://mywonderfulwalls.com and look through their site. Pick out what you would get with your $100 gift certificate. Come back here and tell me what you would get in a comment below (Youtube channel page).

Extra Entries:
1. Like My Wonderful Walls on Facebook. Tell them Rachel from Video Product Reviews sent you and be sure to thank them for the giveaway.
http://www.facebook.com/pages/My-Wonderful-Walls/113187792070749

2. Follow My Wonderful Walls on Twitter. (leave your Twitter name)
http://twitter.com/#!/MyWndrfulWalls

3. Like Video Product Reviews on Facebook. (leave your FB name)
http://www.facebook.com/pages/Video-Product-Reviews/144040049002773

4. Follow my blog through GFC (Google Friend Connect)

5. Follow my blog through Networked Blogs
http://videoproductreview.blogspot.com

6. Follow me on Twitter
http://twitter.com/#!/CMProductReview

7. Share this giveaway on Facebook.
(You MUST leave the perma link on my blog. I will have detailed instrustions on my blog about HOW to leave a perma link)

8. You can enter this giveaway ONCE A DAY by tweeting the following (Amazing home decor! Win item of your choice @MyWndrfulWalls http://t.co/xe1jWrK @CMProductReview
) daily. Be sure to put your tweet in the comments section on my blog.
I will have instrustions on how to leave a perma link on my blog.
http://videoproductreview.blogspot.com

Rules:
You must be 18 years old to enter. This is open to US and Cananda residents only. You must do the mandatory steps to enter. All incomplete entries will be deleted. This giveaway will end on June 27, 2011 at 11:59pm EST. The winner will be picked using http://random.org . The winner will be contacted via YouTube inbox message. You will have 48 hours to respond. If the winner does not respond a new winner will be picked.

My Wonderful Walls
wall stickers: http://www.mywonderfulwalls.com/wall-stickers.html

wall stencils: http://mywonderfulwalls.com/wall_mural_stencil_kits.html

canvas wall art: http://www.mywonderfulwalls.com/canvas_art.html

Teasers Videos:

Wall stickers: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sNe4lu3ZFY8

Wall stencils: http://www.mywonderfulwalls.com/stencil_kit_vid.html

Canvas art: http://www.mywonderfulwalls.com/canvas_artwork.html

How to provide a perma-link.

1. Sign into your Twitter account.

2. Re-tweet about this giveaway. (see above for what exactly to re-tweet).

3. Click on your profile.

4. Look at your newest tweet about this giveaway. There will be a time stamp under your tweet. Click that time stamp.

5. Once you click on the time stamp it will open up a new page. You will need to copy the URL of the page that just opened. The new page that just opened should look like this picture example below.

6. Once you have copied the URL come back to this blog and paste that URL into the comments section of this blog. Be sure to also leave your YouTube user name as well, as I will contact the winner through YouTube.

If you have any further questions about providing a perma link please feel free to email me.

Great New Giveaways!

2011-06-03T17:01:00.000-04:00

Hi everyone! Don't forget to check out my new blog, Video Product Reviews. I have some new reviews and giveaways up. And I have several more on the way. Some of these you simply are NOT gonna want to miss! ALso don't forget to check out and subscribe to my YouTube Channel.

http://youtube.com/user/carlynicoleelliotte

CJ's BUTTer Review and Giveaway

2011-05-28T13:44:00.002-04:00

Rules:

This is a VERY easy giveaway! You must enter the giveaway on my new blog here at this link. http://videoproductreview.blogspot.com All I need is your name and email address, so I can contact you if you win. Your email address and name will not be made public and no one will be able to see your entry. I have a form for you to fill out and submit. You can get extra entries as well. Just look on the form below to find out how.

Enter the giveaway here:
http://videoproductreview.blogspot.com

You don't have to but it would be nice if you went by CJ's Facebook page and thanked them for this giveaway. Tell them Rachel sent you.

CJ's Website: http://www.cjsuniqueboutique.com/

CJ's Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/#!/cjsewingroom

Here is a link to where I got my CJ's from.
Jack Be Natural
http://jackbenatural.com Check them out for all your cloth diapering needs! They always have FREE shipping!

Win A Coupon Binder Worth Over $750!!

2011-05-19T02:27:00.001-04:00

BE SURE TO ENTER IN THE YOUTUBE COMMENTS SECTION. ENTRIES HERE ON MY BLOG WILL NOT GET COUNTED!!

You must do ALL of the following things to be entered.

Subscribe to me on YouTube http://youtube.com/user/carlynicoleelliotte

Follow my new blog http://videoproductreview.blogspot.com

Follow my new Facebook page
http://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/Video-Product-Reviews/144040049002773

Leave a comment below telling me one good thing about your father.

*****Don't forget, You need to leave me your Facebook mane and the name you are following my blog with.*****
Giveaway ends 5/24/11 11:59pm EST

ERGObaby Carrier Review & Giveaway

2011-05-16T21:00:00.000-04:00

Rules:
You MUST do the following things for ONE (1) entry to the ERGObaby giveaway. (Leave a comment (on YouTube video page) stating that you have done all 3 things and leave your Facebook name as well). Keep reading below for Extra Entires.

1. You MUST be a subscriber to my YouTube channel. You can follow this link and subscribe there. http://youtube.com/user/carlynicoleelliotte

2. You MUST like Video Product Reviews On Facebook.
http://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/Video-Product-Reviews/144040049002773

3. You MUST like ERGObaby on Facebook. (You must tell them Rachel from Video Product Reviews (and link to my video product reviews FB page) sent you and tell them thank you for the givewaway.)
http://www.facebook.com/#!/ergobaby

EXTRA ENTRIES!!!

1. Go follow me on my new blog. (+ 5 extra entries) Make sure you leave a new comment when you do this and let me know the name you are following with.
http://videoproductreview.blogspot.com/

2. Blog or Vlog about this giveaway. (+ 5 extra entries) Come back here (on YouTube video page) and leave a new comment along with a link to your blog post or you can comment with a video response of your vlog post.

3. Tweet about this giveaway on Twitter. (+3 extra entries) Come back (YouTube video page) and leave a new comment along with a link to your tweet and your twitter name.

4. Share this video on Facebook. (+ 3 extra entries) Come back (YouTube video page) and leave a new comment with your facebook name.

5. Follow ERGObaby on Twitter. (+ 3 extra entries) Come back (YouTube video page) and leave a new comment letting me know you are following ERGObaby and your twitter name.

All extra entries must be made in seperate comments. Any comments with more than one entry requirement will be removed.

Giveaway ends on 5/31/11 at 11:59pm EST.

Winner will be picked using random.org (You can have up to TWENTY (20) entries in this giveaway giving that you do everything listed above.)
Good Luck!
Winner gets thier coice of ERGObaby carrier excluding Petunia Pickle Bottom line of carriers.

The giveaway is open to both USA and Canada. There may be custom charges while shipping to Cananda and the winner would be responsible for those charges.

DO NOT PUT COMMENTS ON THIS BLOG TO ENTER. Only the comments on the YouTube video page will be accepted. You can comment here just to help remind yourself that you have already entered if you like.

Review and GIVEAWAY ($50 value)

2011-05-11T10:25:00.000-04:00

Go check out my facebook page and "like" it to be enetered into a great giveaway tomorrow.

----------> CLICK HERE <----------

NEW BLOG!!! CHECK IT OUT!!!

2011-05-09T20:29:00.000-04:00

I have started a new blog that is full of video product reviews! Not only is there reviews but there will be giveaways as well! You will not want to miss out on this one! So come on over and be sure to follow so you can be entered in to up coming giveaways!

------> CLICK HERE TO GO TO MY NEW BLOG <-------

How To Fold Prefold Cloth Diapers (5 different options)

2011-05-04T20:38:00.000-04:00

Looking For A Giveaway? Look No Further!

2011-05-01T09:46:00.004-04:00

Here is the giveaway held by Finch Found at http://finchfound.com (copy and pasted from a FAVORITE blog). Just follow the link to enter. (CLICK HERE)

BOON + PLUM for you! | A Giveaway
Saturday, April 30, 2011 at 8:12AM
The Beast is 9 months old, and to tell you a little about our struggle, he is such a busy dude that making sure he gets enough calories in, is a on going task. Getting him to nurse or use a bottle is like pinning down a greased pig. At meal times he eats what we eat, and does a wonderful job, but I still give him purees just because it is an easy way to get more nutrients in him, and he likes them, so hey! It works!

I make 95% of his purees (more on that in a different post), but sometimes you need quick and easy and our go to choice is Plum Organics. We bought them on a whim once because they were on sale (and they are frequently 10 for $10 at Babies R Us/Sprouts/Amazon - Target tends to be more expensive), and because of their less than typical flavors, like Blueberry, Pear & Purple Carrot. We came to love the food though, it was the first store bought baby food that actually tasted good, and not bland. Also, Plum makes it easy to figure out what nutrients are in which fruit/vegetable. Check out their pantry, even if you make your own food it is a great reference list.

The Beasts favorite flavor (and mine)? Pumpkin & Banana

So in honor of giving the little foodies in your life what they really want, how about a giveaway? Yes? Wonderful!

FinchFound is giving away...

4 Plum Portable Pouches* & A 2 pack of Plum Organics Dispensing Boon Spoon*

How to enter:

1. Be a Fan of FinchFound on Facebook
2. Leave a comment (only one) telling us which flavor of Plum Organics looks the most delicious to you.

No entries past 10 P.M. PST Tuesday May 3rd, winner will be announced on Wednesday May 4th.

*Boon/Plum isn't offering us compensation to do this, we just like to share good stuff with you!

Don't forget, you MUST go to http://finchfound.com to enter.

**DO NOT LEAVE A COMMENT HERE FOR AN ENTRY**

The Enemy's Perfect Plan

2011-04-11T11:55:00.000-04:00

The Enemy's Perfect Plan
Author Unknown

Let's not allow the enemy to distract us...

Satan called a worldwide convention. In his opening address to his evil angels, he said, "We can't keep Christians from going to church. We can't keep them from reading their Bibles and knowing the truth. We can't even keep them from conservative values. But we can do something else. We can keep them from forming an intimate, abiding relationship experience in Christ. If they gain that connection with Jesus, our power over them is broken. So let them go to church, let them have their conservative lifestyles, but steal their time, so they can't gain that experience in Jesus Christ. This is what I want you to do, angels. Distract them from gaining hold of their Savior and maintaining that vital connection throughout their day!"

"How shall we do this?" shouted his angels.

"Keep them busy in the nonessentials of life and invent unnumbered schemes to occupy their minds" he answered. "Tempt them to spend, spend, spend then borrow, borrow, borrow. Convince the wives to go to work for long hours and the husbands to work six or seven days a week, ten to twelve hours a day so they can afford their lifestyles. Keep them from spending time with their children. As their family fragments, soon their homes will offer no escape from the pressures of work."

"Overstimulate their minds so that they cannot hear that still small voice. Entice them to play the radio or cassette player whenever they drive, to keep the TV, VCR, CD's and their PC's going constantly in their homes. And see to it that every store and restaurant in the world plays non-biblical music constantly. This will jam their minds and break that union with Christ."

Fill their coffee tables with magazines and newspapers. Pound their minds with news 24 hours a day. Invade their driving moments with billboards. Flood their mailboxes with junk mail, sweepstakes, mail order catalogues, and every kind of newsletter and promotional offering, free products, services and false hopes."

"Even in their recreation, let them be excessive. Have them return from their recreation exhausted, disquieted, and unprepared for the coming week. Don't let them go out in nature to reflect on God's wonders. Send them to amusement parks, sporting events, concerts and movies instead. And when they meet for spiritual fellowship, involve them in gossip and small talk so that they leave with troubled consciences and unsettled emotion."

"Let them be involved in soul-winning. But crowd their lives with so many good causes they have no time to seek power from Christ. Soon they will be working in their own strength, sacrificing their health and family unity for the good of the cause."

It was quite a convention in the end. And the evil angels went eagerly to their assignments causing Christians everywhere to get busy, busy, busy and rush here and there.

Has the devil been successful at his schemes? You be the judge.

What have I done to deserve this?

2011-04-02T14:06:00.002-04:00

As I sit and think about what I have been through in my life I wonder what I have done to deserve this. Now some might think that I'm having a pity party for myself.

So when I was a very young girl my dad was in a car accident. He was left paralyzed from his shoulders down. I was only 7 when this happened but it made a huge impact on my life. When I was 17 my mom and dad got divorced. Yet another trial in life that played a role in who I was and who I would later become. I got married at 17 in a fit of rebellion. I was married for 3 years. My ex-husband and I got along from time to time but he was addicted to drugs. I soon found myself divorced after splitting up EIGHT time in the 3 years we were together. Just when then sun started shinning I found the love of my life, Ryan. Things we going good. We got pregnant (unexpected) and we thrilled. We delivered Carly 3 months early and she only lived for 4 months before passing away from a heart defect. Exactly 2 weeks after Carly passed away my little brother was in a car accident. He was air lifted to the hospital. He was in a natural coma and we were told to hope for the best but expect the worst. They didn't think he would survive but he did. It was a very trying time right after losing Carly. I felt like I couldn't breathe, like my world was completely gone. My life would never be the same again. While spending every waking moment at my brothers side I found out I was pregnant again. Sadly at 32 weeks our 2nd daughter Hannah passed away. She was born sleeping (stillborn). One year after losing Hannah we started to try again for another baby. I got pregnant on the first try. It wasn't without fear though. I started to bleed at 33 weeks and was put on bed rest. Noah was born at 35 weeks and was in the hospital for 2 weeks in the neonatal intensive care unit. He has been a sick baby with all his airway issues. He has finally just had surgery (read prior post) and is coming home tomorrow (praying he does anyways).

OK so that's my story in a nutshell (if you didn't already know).

Deserve what you ask?

Well why do I deserve the love and grace of God? Why do I deserve to be given a beautiful LIVING son? What have I ever done for him to continue to love me and continue to protect me? What have I done to deserve the strength and courage he has given me? What about the peace, why should I deserve that? His love is never ending, never failing. What about MY love for him? Sure I love Him but do I show it everyday like He does to me? No. I'm am and will always be a sinner. I try to do good but I still fall. I'm not strong like people think I am. I have a short temper and far from perfect. I haven't been to church since December 2010. Noah has been sick and we just can't take him in public. Soon that will all change no that cold and flu season are over. Still though, I don't read the Bible like I know I should. I have found that I have fallen away from the relationship that I use to have with Jesus. I need to find it again. I'm given so much and the least I could do in return is be the friend He is to me. So what have I done to deserve His love? NOTHING! That's just it! I'm the most IMPERFECT person there is! I'm a sinner. I do wrong everyday. I think thoughts that I shouldn't think and I say words I shouldn't say. I pray daily but it seems as if it's the same ole prayer day in and day out. I don't "talk" to Him like I use to. Still He is there. I may have slipped away but He has stood FIRM. You could never ask for a better friend than Jesus.

So if you think you are to bad for God or that you are in a tough spot and that God just wouldn't accept you, you are wrong. He wants you just as you are for just WHO you are. No matter what YOU do He will ALWAYS love you! You just have to ask him into your heart. You have to trust and know that Jesus IS the son of God and that He was crucified on the cross to die for our sins. You have to trust and believe that in 3 days He rose again. If you believe those things and ask Him into your heart He will love and protect you too. It's a love like none other. None of us humans deserve the love that He gives but He loves us anyways!

It's like trying to love your BFF if she slept with your husband. Could you still be her friend? God would, it's THAT kind of love.

Name Change!

2011-04-01T22:38:00.000-04:00

Ok so I wanted to change the name of my blog to be a little shorter. I will keep the "My Angels In Heaven" for a while and put "Life After Loss" behind it to help people know that Life After Loss is still me. After a while I will probably drop the first half and just keep it Life After Loss.

Thoughts?

Hospital Update and Photography

2011-04-01T20:42:00.000-04:00

So Noah came to the hospital on the 23rd of March for surgery on his airway. They did the cricoid split (see below) and he was in the PICU (pediatric intensive care unit) 4.5 days. He was moved to a regular floor on Monday around lunch time. We were told we could go home on Tuesday but he got worse over the night after completely stopping the steroids. So everyday has been a new adventure with breathing issues. They think he has a chest cold/virus but it could just be his airway. They started him back on the steroids through his IV, started antibiotics to prevent a chest infection and started him back on scheduled breathing treatments. We hope that tomorrow he can go home (even though I've heard that every day since Monday I kinda believe it this time). With all the crap this poor little guy has been through he is still a very happy and playful little boy. He even attempted to get on his hands and knees last night while in his crib.

I bought a new camera yesterday. Nothing wrong with my old one but it doesn't have a hot shoe on it. My Sony was a point and shoot. This new one will allow me to use flash studio lighting. My goal is to have an in home studio. I want to work on taking pics of Noah, family and friends first. If (I hope) I get good at it I want to have a photography business. At first I thought I just wanted to do it for fun and leisure but then got to thinking that if I was good why not make money off of it and still be able to be a SAHM? I have the perfect space for a studio in my house. So next week I plan on buying a flash lighting kit. Then, all I will have left to get is a backdrop and a backdrop stand. I will eventually get several different backdrops and props but this will have to be a slow go. I didn't realize how much money would really have to go into something like this.

This pic wasn't taken with my new camera but my old Sony. It is very blury because Noah was on the move while I was trying to get a pic of it. This is a pic of Noah's incision where he had the surgery.

Noah had the surgery on his airway.

2011-03-26T09:48:00.000-04:00

How I organize coupons for EASY in store use.

2011-03-26T09:47:00.002-04:00

Noah Scooting

2011-03-26T09:47:00.001-04:00

Noah 8 month Update and Playroom Preview

2011-03-13T22:56:00.001-04:00

Noah (In the hospital)

2011-01-05T15:20:00.000-05:00

I haven't updated here in a while. For those of you who are not already on my Facebook you should add me if you want quicker updates. I have fallen slack to this site but will gett better soon. Anyhow, Noah is in the hospital and we are working towards week number 3 now. He is having breathing issues and reflux issues. So check out my FB page for more updates and details. Oh and also I have some videos up on YouTube about everything going on.

http://www.facebook.com/home.php#!/profile.php?id=100002199787321&sk=wall

http://youtube.com/user/carlynicoleelliotte

2010-11-23T20:16:00.000-05:00

Ok, so I don't do much writting anymore. I mainly do YouTube video blogs these days. Seems more real that way. I'm not a good writter so I enjoy the videos more. If you are not subscribed to me on youtube you should subscribe. I update there often.

So Carly and Hannah had their birthdays not too long ago. Carly would have been 3 and Hannah 2. I'm so happy to have Noah, he's my world, but I wish I had my girls too. I wish we all 3 could cuddle up on the couch and watch tv together and play.

Noah is such a great baby. He hardly ever fusses, well he has been lately but I think he's teething. He sleeps 8-10 hours a night. He does have bad reflux so he's getting rice in his bottles. It seems to be helping. He is so sweet. I could look at him for hours. I'm currently holding him in my Ergo baby carrier as he sleeps. Just precious.

I will try to add videos here but like I said, you can find me at http://youtube.com/user/carlynicoleelliotte

Your Love Never Fails (cover)

2010-11-16T19:47:00.000-05:00

My brother singing You're Love Never Fails

The Lord is my Rock- Elevation Worship (Cutest Kid Contest)

2010-10-19T21:49:00.000-04:00

You HAVE to watch this! lol These are my nephews. The most views win. Watch it all the way through. They are so silly! I <3 these boys!!!

Britax B-Ready stroller giveaway!!

2010-10-10T21:04:00.000-04:00

Ok mommies, ready for an aewsome giveaway??? Go to an awesome blog called naturalmommie.com and click on giveaways. Ready her review on the B-ready stroller and enter her giveaway! It's just that easy!

Just getting around to putting my videos here...sorry so late!

2010-08-08T22:56:00.000-04:00

31 weeks

2010-05-30T21:19:00.000-04:00

Ok, so I've been kinda slack at posting my videos here. Lots of people keep asking if I'm gonna post updates on here. If you don't see an update for a while here you can go check out my YouTube channel to see if I have any videos there that have't made their way here yet. I'll post what videos I have done over the last few weeks. Oh, my YouTube channel name is carlynicoleelliotte.

The Words I Would Say - Sidewalk Prophets [lyrics]

2010-05-02T22:52:00.000-04:00

27 weeks

2010-04-28T20:03:00.000-04:00

24 weeks

2010-04-09T23:00:00.000-04:00

Part 1

Part 2

Noah Bouncing Around In My Belly

2010-03-30T01:52:00.000-04:00

You may wanna turn the volume down before watching. The is a lot of LOUD background noise.

No

21 weeks-AFP results

2010-03-20T13:14:00.001-04:00

20 weeks

2010-03-15T18:50:00.001-04:00

Prayers Needed!!!

2010-03-07T21:35:00.000-05:00

My friend, a mother who has lost her only daughter through stillbirth, is now pregnant again. She could really use your support, thoughts, and prayers during this long journey that she is facing.

Here is a link to her site about her journey through the loss of her daughter.

Safe In This House

This is a link to her new journey through a new pregnancy.

Another Cherry, Pretty Please

Please stop by to show her your unfailing support as you have shown me.

18 week update/ Dr. appt

2010-03-02T22:57:00.000-05:00

17 weeks

2010-02-20T19:10:00.000-05:00

Sorry about the video being so choppy! I did about 4 different videos over the past 3 days and there is a little from all of them. I so didn't feel like even doing these but I forced myself. Next week I'll do better. And sorry for looking crappy! ;)

Has The Cause of Crib Death (SIDS) Been Found?

2010-02-04T21:39:00.000-05:00

This was found at
http://www.healthychild.com/toxic-sleep/has-the-cause-of-crib-death-sids-been-found/

Toxic Gases in Baby Crib Mattresses
By Jane Sheppard

Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS). These four words can incite a considerable amount of terror in a parent of an infant. Sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS), also known as crib death or cot death, is the number one cause of death for infants from one month to one year of age. 90% of all SIDS deaths are in babies under six months old. Ongoing SIDS research occasionally leads to discoveries of risk factors associated with these deaths, but after over 50 years, researchers say they still do not know how or why it happens. The prevailing official viewpoint on SIDS is that the cause is unknown (SIDS Alliance 2001).

It may seem inconceivable that over a million babies have died of this "syndrome", and after almost half a century and many millions of dollars spent, no one in this age of science and technology can tell us why. But what parents are virtually oblivious to (through no fault of their own) is that a highly convincing explanation for this tragedy has been found, along with a simple means of eliminating it. This explanation is backed by a significant amount of evidence, but has been and continues to be completely ignored by SIDS organizations, the medical community, and the government - for a variety of reasons, including politics, financial liability, and vested interests. Publication of these findings continues to be denied and suppressed. The result is that babies continue to be at risk from deaths that may easily be prevented.

Toxic Gases in Mattresses
Dr. Jim Sprott, OBE, a New Zealand scientist and chemist, states with certainty that crib death is caused by toxic gases, which can be generated from a baby's mattress. Chemical compounds containing phosphorus, arsenic and antimony have been added to mattresses as fire retardants and for other purposes since the early 1950's. A fungus that commonly grows in be dding can interact with these chemicals to create poisonous gases (Richardson 1994). These heavier-than-air gases are concentrated in a thin layer on the baby's mattress or are diffused away and dissipated into the surrounding atmosphere. If a baby breathes or absorbs a lethal dose of the gases, the central nervous system shuts down, stopping breathing and then heart function. These gases can fatally poison a baby, without waking the sleeping baby and without any struggle by the baby. A normal autopsy would not reveal any sign that the baby was poisoned (Sprott 1996).

In spite of denial and opposition from orthodox SIDS organizations, no research has disproved this gaseous poisoning explanation for crib death. No valid criticism of this explanation has ever been provided. This logical finding explains every factor already known about crib death, and is backed by scientific research (Sprott 1996, 2000) and 11 years of practical proof consisting of a crib death prevention campaign that continues in New Zealand.

Ongoing research continues to support these findings. A four and a half year study by the Scottish Cot Death Trust published in the British Medical Journal (November 2, 2002) has shown that the re-use of infant mattresses triples the risk of cot death (Tappin 2002). Dr. Sprott explains that the risk of death increases when mattresses are re-used from one baby to the next because the fungus has already had a chance to establish itself in the used mattress. When the next baby uses the same mattress, the fungus is soon active. Toxic gas production begins sooner and is generated in greater volume. It is known that crib death rates increase markedly from the first baby in a family to the second, and from the second to the third, and so on (Mitchell 2001). Dr. Sprott warns, however, that new mattresses can also be unsafe because fungal growth can quickly become established in a new mattress once a baby begins sleeping on it (Sprott 2003).

The fundamental solution is urgent action to eliminate all sources of phosphorus, arsenic and antimony from all mattresses. But this is not happening now, and is not likely to happen anytime soon, so exposure to these gases must be prevented. The intervening solution is to prevent babies from being exposed to the gases by wrapping mattresses in a gas-impermeable cover made from high-grade polyethylene and ensuring that bedding used on top of a wrapped mattress does not contain any phosphorus, arsenic or antimony.

A 100% successful crib death prevention campaign has been going on in New Zealand for the past 11 years. Midwives and other healthcare professionals throughout New Zealand have been actively advising parents to wrap mattresses. During this time, there has not been a single SIDS death reported among the over 100,000 New Zealand babies who have slept on mattresses wrapped in a specially formulated polyethylene cover. The number of crib deaths in New Zealand that have occurred since mattress-wrapping began in 1994 is about 810. The number of crib deaths that have occurred in New Zealand on a properly wrapped mattress is zero.

In early 2002, a German doctor published the results of the New Zealand mattress-wrapping campaign, including statistical analysis carried out in conjunction with the University of Munich (Kapuste 2002). The statistics showed that the proof of the validity of mattress-wrapping for crib death prevention was one billion times the level of proof generally accepted by the medical community as proving a scientific proposition.

Prior to the commencement of mattress-wrapping, New Zealand had the highest crib death rate in the world (2.1 deaths per 1000 live births). Following the adoption of mattress-wrapping by many parents in New Zealand, the New Zealand crib death rate has fallen by 70%, and the Pakeha (non-Maori) crib death rate has fallen by an estimated 85% (NZMH). Pakeha parents have adopted mattress-wrapping with enthusiasm. "These reductions cannot be attributed to orthodox cot death prevention advice," said Dr Sprott. "There has been no material change in that advice since 1992. The only significant change in cot death prevention advice, which has occurred since 1994, is the nationwide dissemination of my recommendations to wrap babies' mattresses."

Parents Are Denied Findings
So why isn't this profound and critically important information making the headlines of major newspapers or all over the evening news? Why aren't crib death researchers and the government of the United States telling parents to wrap babies' mattresses? Why are the manufacturers still adding fire retardants and other chemicals to mattresses?

There are various reasons, but one possible reason is that mattress manufacturers are required to use fire retardants through government regulations. Admitting that these chemicals are causing deaths would mean admitting to major liability. Furthermore, crib death research has been a significant source of funding for medical researchers in the U.S. Unfortunately, the ongoing complex and expensive research that leads to the discovery of "risk factors" for a so-called "syndrome" has pushed aside the simple and inexpensive solution of mattress-wrapping; a solution that can do no harm.

The Cot Death Cover-Up? (Penguin books, NZ, 1996), by Dr. Jim Sprott, reveals the amazing story of denial on the part of crib death researchers and the medical community, and the failure of these entities to accept such a simple explanation. Dr. Sprott first suggested a toxic gas theory for crib death in 1986, and in 1989 Barry Richardson of Britain, also a consulting chemist acting independently, publicized research on the finding. In response, the British government set up expert committees to investigate the findings. One committee published the Turner Report, which recommended the removal of the chemicals from baby mattresses and for babies to be tested for antimony. A second committee published the 1998 Limerick Report, which is frequently cited by SIDS organizations as finding no evidence to substantiate the claim that toxic gases cause crib death. Contrary to this publicity, the Limerick Report did not disprove the theory (Fitzpatrick 1998) - in fact, it provides further confirmation of it (Sprott 2000).

The main orthodox crib death prevention recommendation is to put babies to sleep on their backs. We know that babies do still die when sleeping on their backs, although face-up sleeping does reduce the risk. The gases are denser than air and tend to settle in a thin layer directly on top of the mattress, so babies sleeping face-down are more likely to inhale a lethal dose of the gases. The gases are also absorbed through babies' skin, and this is one of the major reasons why face-up sleeping provides only partial protection against crib death (Sprott 1996).

However, no babies have died sleeping on a properly wrapped mattress. This is crucial information for parents. 2,100 babies continue to die every year in the United States from SIDS. Parents should be provided with the information so that they are able to decide for themselves whether they want to wait for the SIDS research organizations or the government to endorse mattress-wrapping or to "play it safe" as many parents have done in New Zealand. As Dr. Sprott points out and no one has denied, "All New Zealand crib deaths since mattress-wrapping began in late 1994 have occurred when parents have not wrapped their babies' mattresses. An inexpensive, non-toxic protective cover can surely do no harm."

The assumption that our government agencies do everything they can to protect our children is naive. The U.S. Consumer Products Safety Commission has stated that BabeSafe mattress covers do not constitute any safety risk to babies. These covers (manufactured in New Zealand) are the only mattress covers designed to protect babies from toxic gases generated in mattresses. Yet even though BabeSafe products are simple, inexpensive, and safe, the FDA requires the manufacturer to go through the expensive, complex, time-consuming procedure of obtaining pre-market approval in order for BabeSafe covers to be bulk imported into the U.S.

Instead of putting unnecessary hurdles in the way of a harmless and potentially live-saving product, why don't the authorities endorse mattress-wrapping in the U.S. to see if the results achieved in New Zealand could be duplicated here? The score in New Zealand is now 810 deaths (orthodox crib death prevention advice) to none (mattress-wrapping). With so many more babies born in the U.S. than in New Zealand, the potential to save lives is dramatically greater - thousands every year. Why should even one baby be denied something that could potentially save his or her life?

Though the toxic gas explanation has not yet been 100% scientifically proven to cause crib death, why take any chances when you don't have to? The 100% successful cot death prevention campaign in New Zealand is enough evidence to warrant taking a precautionary approach.

I Am A G.L.O.B!!! (-^.^-)

2010-01-26T17:29:00.000-05:00

Thank you so much Breanna for this fun award!

The rules to this blog are to tag any lady blogger that you love ♥ and love reading!

So here they are in no particular order...

Carly @ The Wonders From My Sleepless Nights
Breanna @ Adventures In Mommy Land
Aimee @ Womens Marriage Ministry
Melanie@ Waiting Patiently With An Angel

Enjoy!!!

Pregnancy week 13

2010-01-22T20:37:00.000-05:00

Contest Winner!!

2010-01-21T22:24:00.000-05:00

I Need Your Help...and You Can Win Prizes!!!

2010-01-13T00:02:00.000-05:00

Watch these 2 videos to find out what you can do to help and how and what you can win for helping! :)

Another Video Blog week 11

2010-01-10T16:00:00.000-05:00

Another 2 part video because I seriously can't keep track of time.

Update 1/8/10

2010-01-08T14:41:00.000-05:00

First off I'd like to wish everyone a very HAPPY New Year! I hope this year brings great joys to each and every one of you! I've been quite lazy these days and haven't felt like much typing. I have done another video blog and found it much easier and less time consuming. So for my blog update I'm just gonna post another video. :)

I did this video a week ago. Sorry about the lighting, I didn't realize the lights would glare like they did.

Video Blog

2009-12-19T23:36:00.000-05:00

Well I did my 1st ever video blog. I was really nervous but it wasn't as bad as I thought it was gonna be. SO I thought I'd share it with you all. Enjoy.

Prayers Needed!!!

2009-12-16T20:33:00.000-05:00

This was copy and pasted from Kayleigh's blog.

Prayer Warriors Needed

Hello everyone,

One of my personal training clients at work (Chelsey) has a good friend (Jennie), only 21 years old, who was in a serious car accident a short time ago. She is currently in a coma and her situation is critical. She needs many prayers as well as her family needs many prayers through this very tough journey.

Please stop by and let them know we are praying endlessly for her recovery. Just like our sweet Kayleigh's journey, when more than one are praying for healing, God is certainly listening and can do amazing things.

The blog is: http://www.jenniesavickas.blogspot.com/

Thank you all so much!

God Bless,

7 weeks

2009-12-11T12:48:00.000-05:00

I'm 7 weeks +1 now. This weeks I've been getting queasy, especially when I wake up in the morning. I've been eating but NOTHING sounds good to me. Sometimes just the thoughts of eating makes me feel slightly queasy. This is new for me, as I never felt sick with the girls. I've been exhausted lately. I actually am about to take a nap after I finish writing this. I'm always hungry, which in return makes me feel queasy. Kinda weird huh? Well, Ryan bought me a fetal heart doppler for my birthday. I got it from eBay and it just came in a few days ago. I have tried it although I know it's WAY too early to hear our little ones heart quite yet. O' well, I'll keep trying till I hear it. I did have another ultrasound today along with another visit with the doctor. I have lost 4 pounds since the 2nd of this month. That's crazy to me. I don't see how. I'm sure to gain it back very soon though. The heartbeat was 120 bpm. The bleeding MAY be coming from the other horn in my uterus. Remember that I have a bicournate uterus. She (the tech) said that I may continue to bleed throughout my pregnancy b/c of my uterus. She said the lining in the other side is still thick and is still shedding. The side that the baby is in is not shedding at all, so that's good. Here is a pic to give you an idea of what a bicournate uterus looks lie before and during pregnancy.

So everything was ok. I go back on the 30th for all the history paper work. I then go back in the 1st week of Jan for my finger prick (genetics for downs) then I go back in my 11th week for the ultra screening u/s for downs and other genetics.

Oh yeah, don't forget to check out my pregnancy photos. You can link to it by clicking "my pregnancy photos" in the upper right hand side of this blog. You won't be seeing much now as I'm still small and the baby is only the size of a blueberry. Give it time though...I'll have a baby belly before you know it! ;)

5 Weeks...Appt. and U/S

2009-12-02T22:04:00.000-05:00

Today was my 1st ultrasound and 1st prenatal appointment. I went in at 2pm for the u/s. The tech was so nice. She was very friendly and talkative. Just what I needed to calm my nerves. I have been spotting since Thanksgiving day. It was pink for 3 days then to brown. Needless to say it has scared me to death. Today I had no spotting so that was good. Well the tech had me lay down to do the u/s. I was surprised to even see the gestational sac through an abdominal u/s this early. Unfortunately we were unable to see the baby that way. I had to have a dreaded trans vaginal u/s in order to see the baby. Anyone who has ever had one of those KNOWS how uncomfortable that is. Well once she started the u/s that way she had to push on my tummy to see the baby on the screen. Some good news? The baby is in the larger horn of my bicornuate uterus. Bad news, sorta? Too early to see or hear the heartbeat. Well, I was a little upset by the fact that we couldn't see the heart beating. Kinda had me worried. I though and could have swore that we seen Hannah's heart beating at 5w6d. When I came home though I found Hannah's 1st u/s and it wasn't till 6w3d that we seen and heard her heart beating. So other than that every thing looked good on the u/s. The Little Bean was measuring at exactly 5w6d. That is perfect dating according to the day I ovulated. There was no signs of anything wrong or reason for spotting which was good to know. I go back the Friday after next. That will be December 11th. I had my blood pressure and weight checked today. I forgot to ask what my BP was. My weight was 137. I was SO shocked. That means I have gained 3 pounds since the 4th of November. How is that possible? I haven't been pigging out or anything. Well, 'm going to try to eat as healthy as possible and walk the dog 3 times a day. I'm hoping the walking will help to keep my weight stable for a while. I sat down with the doctor in his office after my exam and spoke with him for a bit. I told him that I had been losing quite a bit of hair for a few months now. Then I told him that since being pregnant it has gotten much worse. I see that my hair line is receding from it. It's been driving me crazy. Well, I've thought I have a thyroid issue for the past few months after doing research online. I have almost ALL symptoms on the list. Also people with this problem when pregnant face having babies that are small (IUGR), birth defects, and possible stillbirth. Well funny that I have had ALL 3! So as soon as I told the doc about my hair loss he said I needed my thyroid levels checked. I was so relieved to hear him say that. This doc always seems to be a step ahead of the game. That is really putting our minds at ease. So I went to the lab after my appt. today and had my regular prenatal blood work done along with the thyroid panel done. I hope to get the results back soon. If I do have a thyroid imbalance, it will really explain a lot of my pregnancy history. It may sound weird, but I kinda hope that that IS what's been going on. Why do I say that? Well, if that IS the case, it's treatable with meds. That means I could have a normal pregnancy if treated. I hate to have something wrong with me but would LOVE to have answers. It would be such a huge relief. Well that's about it. I go back on December 11th for my 2nd u/s and then on December 30th for my 2nd prenatal appt.

Here is our Little Bean. 5w6d

The Secret Garden Meeting.

2009-11-23T12:40:00.000-05:00

The secret garden meeting

This is from the October meeting. A little late, but here none the less.

The questions from the October meeting:

So this meeting we would like to talk about where you are. Where are you at in your grief. Has it been years or just weeks since you lost your baby. How are you feeling. How do you hope you will feel in the future. Have you found any peace at all?

Where am I in my grief? Well it's been 2 years since we delivered Carly. We spent 4 beautiful short months with her surrounded by the 4 walls of the hospital. In March, it will mark her 2 year ANGELversiery. It has been one year this month since losing Hannah. I'm feeling pretty good these days. I don't cry too often anymore. Although sometimes it makes me feel guilty. I sometimes feel like I should be grieving more. Then when I start to feel that way I start to think of the strength that I have prayed for. I can only believe that God has completely strengthened me and comforted me through this whole process. I think the lack of tears comes from faith in knowing that I will see them again and that "goodbye" wasn't forever. I feel a lot of peace over my losses. I know that only comes from God. I think of my girls daily. And I thank God daily for the short time I had with them. In the future I hope I'm as at peace with my losses as I am now. My prayers go to my husband though. We were talking about our girls the other day ad how we feel in the here and now. I was telling him how I have found comfort and that it's no longer something weighing me down. He told me it still makes him sad to think of the girls. Hearing him say that made me sad. I don't want him to be sad when he thinks of them. I want him to smile when he thinks of them like I do. Grief comes in many forms for everyone and grief is different for everyone. I wish no one ever had to go through it. Sadly though it happens. I just hope people who do face it are surrounded with a great support system mike I have been.

I have an appointment!

2009-11-21T13:44:00.000-05:00

I go Monday to the doctor to have my blood drawn. As soon as my levels get to 3,000 (I think) they will give me my 1st ultrasound. I should reach 3,000 by about 5 weeks. The u/s will be for nothing more than dating reasons. I'm ready to see our little bean though. It will give me a peace of mind in knowing that everything is ok in there.

We have decided to let this baby's gender be a surprise. It took a lot of talking through to decide which route we were gonna go with this. I wanted Carly and Hannah to be a surprise but we found out anyways. With this pregnancy possibly being our last I do want to wait to find out. It's like getting an extra little gift the day you deliver. It will be so exciting! I've been feeling good in the way of symptoms. I haven't had any yet. If this pregnancy is anything like Carly or Hannah's it will basically be symptom free. I'm only going to be working for another 3 weeks. Then I'm going to quit. Well I say quit but I'll still be doing some work. I won't however be standing on my feet for 8 hours a day passing out meds anymore. I'm going to be doing paper work at home. hat way I'm still making money but also taking it easy at the same time. My doctor wants me out of work by 12 weeks anyway so this is a happy medium.

On a side note, my car has been parked for a little over a month now. The fuel injector went bad causing a knocking noise in one of my cylinders and the transmission range sensor went bad. My car would get stuck in low gear and I would put my foot all the way down on the gas and my car would only creep at turtle speed. Well we got the parts for $180 on Wednesday. My neighbor being the nice guy he is, fixed my car today in less than an hour. The dealership was going to charge me $344 to fix it. That is just crazy! He said he did it for free. Well we can't NOT pay him something. I mean he took that time out of his own day on a weekend to help us out. So we are gonna give him some money for fixing my car. I'm so glad to have it back though. I've been driving my MIL's car for a while. She had to take it back about a week ago b/c the battery in her other car died. So I've been depending on Ryan to drive me back and forth to work. So glad to get it back!

Good News!

2009-11-19T12:58:00.000-05:00

Well I'm not good at keeping secrets so I'll go ahead and spill the beans! I'm pregnant! We are excited. We are just putting everything in God's hands. We are just going to trust in Him to allow this baby to be healthy and to provide a healthy home for this child within my body.

I am still in complete shock! I have been taking pregnancy test just about every day since the 10th of this month. everyone of the have been coming back just as negative as they could be. I had completely lost all faith in this cycle and was just planning on trying again next month. I have had NO symptoms what-so-ever. I even though my period was on it's way with a few cramps that I have had. I guess the cramps was just the little bean implanting into it's new home. Last night a friend asked me if I had any signs of my period coming and I told her yes. I told her about my cramping and I was sure it would show up today. Well shortly after explaining that I felt as if this month was a bust I took a test just for the heck of it. As soon as the color went completely across the window of the test I chucked it in the garbage. I knew it would be negative. For some reason I felt the need to go back 5 mins later and pull it out of the trash. I was shocked to see a faint line there. I didn't believe it. My brothers were over with my husband watching the fight so I was showing Ryan and my brothers the test to get their opinions. I just said I'd take another one in the morning. This time I was going to use a first response test instead of a dollar tree test. Well at 3am I woke up having to pee so i figured why not? Sure enough I got 2 lines. I'm pregnant! Woot Woot!

My New Obsession.

2009-11-11T23:07:00.000-05:00

Well in the past 2 months or so I have started couponing again. I haven't done it in a couple of years and even when I did it then I didn't get very good results. I have done lots of research and reading online. I have met many women who were more than happy to share some of their secrets.So Far I have done super doubles at Blooms and triples at Harris Teeter. I have saved about $300 in groceries in just the past month on coupons alone! That is awesome. We went from having no groceries in our house to not having enough room to store all of our stuff. I'm getting stuff for FREE. If not free I'm getting it for pennies! Today my mom and I went shopping at Target. They had a great Glade deal going on. So I stocked up. I also got 4 Accu-Check Aviva blood glucose monitors. I got those for FREE with my coupon. PLUS, there is a mail-in rebate offer. I will be getting $40 back through the mail just for sending in my receipt. So I'm getting PAID to take those out of the store. You can't get much better than that! I thought I'd share a pic of my shopping trip to Target today. The only thing not in the picture is a dress I bought while I was there. For everything you see and the dress not pictured only cost me $15 out of pocket! Well out of pocket I'm also including the $40 mail-in rebate and 5 $5 gift cards I got for buying the glade products. Still NOT bad! :) Now, the question is where the heck do I put all this stuff?!?!? LOL

Happy Birthday Hannah!

2009-11-07T00:27:00.001-05:00

Today Hannah would be a year old. It's was around this time last year that I was having an ultrasound after not feeling Hannah move for a while. I remember laying in the bed as 2 nurses silently searched for a heart beat. I remember hearing my own heart in hope it was Hannah's. I remember the unspoken fear I had as I seen the worry deep in the nurses eyes and they continued to search with no such luck. I remember talking silently to Hannah asking her to move just once. I remember the fear when the nurse said she was leaving to call the doctor. I knew that it couldn't be good. I seen Hannah on the ultrasound for the last time that day. She was still. Her heart ad stopped. I could barely breath. I felt as if my heart had been ripped from my chest. How could this have happened again? I laid there silently on the bed after holding on to Ryan for several minutes just crying. I kept praying to God to make a miracle happen and let her move just once. Nothing happened. She remained still. I lay there numb on the bed as I awaited morning so my doctor could come in and do my c-section. As I waited for the doctor I couldn't decide if I wanted to be awake or asleep for the surgery. Part of me didn't want to face the reality of going through a c-section that would result in delivering my dead child. Part of me wouldn't be able to forgive myself for not being a witness to the birth of my daughter who I had carried for 8 months. I'm glad I decided to stay awake. The moment I saw her I was in awe! She was the most beautiful baby girl. She looked so sweet and innocent. I was in love. I kissed her and loved her for a little bit. I couldn't believe something so wonderful was growing in me for those 8 months. After recovery I got to a room. We got to spent the whole day loving on Hannah. My whole family came to see our sweet angel. It was a sad day, yet a joyful one at the same time. I miss her dearly, but I know that I will see her again. I take comfort and strength in the Lord.

Now, from the Secret Garden.

secretgardenmeeting.blogspot.com

If you created a bedroom for your baby tell us what it was like.

Hannah's bedroom was done in butterflies. It was a lavender purple color. SO cute. I did it all myself by time I was 25 weeks. The beautiful white crib sat the the left and changing table to the right. The room was warm. It brought a sense of peace as I would walk into the room each and every night. I would day dream of having Hannah in the crib. I would think about what it would be like to hold her and rock her to sleep. What it would be like to sit in the stillness of the room and bond through nursing.

Did you have it ready for them before they were born?

Yes, I had Hannah's room ready by time I was 25 weeks pregnant. I was in need of nothing at that point. I had so many clothes that Hannah wouldn't even get to wear them all. I had the stroller and car seat, pack-n-play, diapers, and everything in between. Everything was perfect.

If so how did you cope coming home to it without your baby?

It was hard at first. I would go into Hannah's room and just stare off into space. I would think that I should be loving on her here in this room. I sometimes would hold my belly and just cry.

Did you pack it all away?

No. We took everything back to Babies R Us. They were great. They asked no questions. They took back stuff that was open and ready to be used. It was hard for me to take everything back because I felt like I was giving up the very last things I had of Hannah. All her clothes and diapers and what-nots got sold to a lady on craigslist. The lady was super nice. She was buying all my things for her daughter who was pregnant at the time. When they got ready to leave the lady was telling me about her losing her daughter years ago. She went on to tell me that her daughter's name was Hannah. I smiled and told her my daughter's name was Hannah too. We embraced each other then said our goodbyes.

What is your baby's room now?

Now, Hannah's room is empty. It hold the clothing that comes in for the preemie clothing drive that I hold in memory of Hannah's older sister, Carly. The room gets so packed with clothing, but every 3 months we donate a portion to Levine Children's Hospital NICU. I still go in there from time to time and think of how the room use to look. I think about what Hannah would look like today and how she would be playing in her room with her toys.

If you are trying to conceive again, or are pregnant again how do you feel about setting up another room before your baby is born?

We are trying to conceive again now. I'm very scared to set up another baby room to say the least. I keep telling Ryan all I want to buy is a pack of diapers, a box of wipes and a few articles of clothing. I 'm afraid to buy anything till I know for sure that I'm going to get to bring a baby home to love here on earth. I tell Ryan that we can buy a car seat and crib once we deliver a healthy baby. That's how I feel now. I'm not sure if I'll have the same take on things when I actually become pregnant again. It almost feels as if setting up another room is taboo.

Please Pass It On!

2009-11-01T01:26:00.001-04:00

If you have read my blog for a while now then you know Ii run a clothing drive for preemie clothing for the NICU where Carly lived the 4 months of her life. This 1st drive we collected over 2,000 articles of clothing! We have been able to donate throughout all of 2009. Many, many, many families and babies have been blessed throughout the year because of every one's help. Please take the time to help me to get the word out. I need you to post this on your blogs and all the boards or forums you frequent. Let everyone know about what we are doing and lead them to our Preemie Clothing Drive blog. We need your help to be successfull again!

http://preemieonesiedrive.blogspot.com/

Thanks for your help!! :)

Butterfly Release 2009

2009-10-10T19:47:00.000-04:00

Today was the Butterfly Release at Frazier Park in Downtown Charlotte. It was held by the Levine Children's Hospital. It's a place for parents and loved ones to come together who have lost a child in the NICU. We went last year for the 1st time. Last year I spoke and I was still pregnant. This year was a lot easier for me emotionally. The had a choir there who sung a couple of songs. They sounded amazing! Dr Herman, on of the neonatologist help to lead the celebration of life with Cindy, one of the neonatal nurse practitioner. They had a dedication of bricks to several families. A couple of parents stood up to say some nice heart felt things about their children. Towards the end everyone formed a circle and went around and said the name of their child(ren). Then, a prayer was said and we released our butterflies. It was beautiful to watch them fly around. Some flew away while others stuck around and we just beautiful to look at in the flowers and trees. After the service was over we got to take some time to talk to others there. Bree, my friend from the NICU was there. We sat together and talked about how it use to be. Bree's little girl DeAnna was Carly's neighbor and passed away when she was 2 months old. She also had a heart defect. Another friend of mine there was Shannon. Shannon also had babies in the NICU. He actually had twins there. They lost one twin from twin to twin transfusion syndrome. I also got to meet a lady who I've been talking to on Charlottemommies. He name is Vicky. Adam and Aimme were also there. I'm sure most of you know them, baby Kayleigh's parents. Dr. Chu was there. She was Carly's Dr. She was always super sweet and talked to you like you were a friend. She had a special way of making you feel at home in a not so homie place. It was suppose to rain today but thank God it didn't. It turned out to be a beautiful day. I didn't take many pics but I did get a few.

This is Dr. Herman and Cindy (NNP). They both cared for Carly during her NICU stay.

This was a lady sharing her story of loss and healing.

Some butterflies as they flew off.

Bree and I.

Ryan and Bree

Ryan and I

And lastly Dr. Chu and myself.

NOW, for some new information. In my last post I told everyone that we would be TTC again in December. Plans have changed and we will actually start TTC again in 3 weeks! I'm so excited yet so nervous. Here's hoping for a surprise mid November!

We Need Your Help Again!

2009-10-01T14:54:00.001-04:00

Here is my last post from my Preemie Onesie Drive blog. Please tell everyone you know so 2010 can be a huge success as well.
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We are starting now in October collecting again for 2010. Last year when I started this drive I had a goal of 200 items. As the weeks went by I realized that I was getting close to my goal. Soon, I was counting over 200 and close to 500. I was amazed. By time March 9th came around we had over 2,000 items! I was shocked but BEYOND happy. I couldn't believe how well this drive had gone. We were able to make a HUGE 1st donation to Levine Children's Hospital and still have enough clothing to donate to LCH every 3 months for the rest of 2009. We were also able to donate to several other local NICU's in North Carolina. This was all made possible because of YOU! Thank you all so much.

So it's time again and I need your help once more. Please tell everyone you know to check out this blog and help. If you can't help by donating clothing or monetary donation, you can help by passing along this blog to everyone you know!

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Recap on my 1st post for those of you who have never read my blog before.
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This is the first annual preemie onesie drive being held by me (Rachel) and Ryan. We are collecting preemie onesies to donate to the babies that are staying in the NICU (neonatal intensive care unit). Ryan and I had our first daughter Carly in the NICU for 4 months before passing away from a heart defect. I know as well as other preemie parents of children in the NICU know that it's hard for your child to be there. It's hard in many ways. It's hard as far as gas is concerned because of the many daily trips to the hospital. A lot of times one of the parents (usually the moms) quit working to be at the hospital with their child as much as possible. This makes funds tight. Paying bills can become a struggle. And it makes it hard to buy your new little one the cute outfits that moms want to see their child in. So this is why I'm having this preemie onesie drive. To help parents enjoy seeing their little boy or girl dressed in a cute outfit. Carly got a cute outfit while she was in the NICU as a anonymous donation. It made me feel completely blessed. It was nice for someone to do this for her. Being in the NICU is a very stressful time. Some are only there for days while others are there for months and even over a year. Simple acts of kindness fills peoples hearts with happiness. I'm doing this donation in memory of Carly who passed away on 3/9/08. I will deliver the donated onesies on 3/9/09. And plan to do this as an annual thing.

So please lets come together and help me to gather the needed onesies to donate to the NICU that my sweet Carly was at (Levine Children's Hospital). We will be having collections at my church and other local churches. Allstate is also helping with this donation(the employees not the company in itself). I will be posting a PO Box address to mail donated onesies to. And also if you would rather donate money you can. And the funds received will go toward the purchase of preemie onesies. The NICU houses nearly 100 babies. This fluctuates from time to time. Also they have an NPCN (neonatal progressive care nursery). And this unit holds about 60 babies maybe more. I hope to raise enough to donate to both the NICU and NPCN. So tell everyone you know to help me reach my goal by 3/9/09.

I have gotten in touch with some local companies and some out of state companies to help with this project. I've also contacted some local news stations to help. My ultimate goal is to raise more than enough onesies needed and gather enough monetary donations that could go straight to the NICU to purchase new equipment and supplies needed.

Ways you can become involved.....

1. You can mail donated preemie onesies

2. You can donate money to go toward the purchase of new preemie onesies. Just click on the donate button at the top of this blog.

3. You can place a flyer in your church, staff break room at your job, or local businesses with a box to help gather donations and mail them to the PO Box. (If you gather a large donation I will gladly pay for shipping).

**I will make a flyer and send it to your email to print if you would like to help in that way.

I will keep updated post on onesies received. At the time of donation I will have several pictures to post on that special day.
If you have any questions please feel free to ask. You can reach me at either carlynicoleelliotte@gmail.com or at carlynhannah@yahoo.com

Thanks for your help and participation,
Rachel and Ryan

I'm Still Alive!

2009-09-04T00:50:00.001-04:00

It's been a while since I've posted. I've been super busy with work. Last month Ryan and I got to keep our nephews (2 and 5, both boys) from Friday to Sunday. We took them to Carowinds (a theme park). It was a lot of fun. We hated to take them back home but I know my brother and SIL were DYING to get them back home! I hope to get them again soon. Although that may not happen as soon as I would like. My brother and his wife and kids MAY be moving to LA in Cali. He feels like God is calling him to go out there and start up another church. He moved 3 hours away from home 2 years ago to start a church up near the coast of NC. It was hard to have him leave then. If he moves to LA that will be all the way across the country. I'm just going to pray for direction in his life. I've been dying to get pregnant, but we still have till December to wait. I'm just hoping that it happens right away and doesn't take very long.

I know this was short but I wanted to write SOMETHING at least.

Just Some Pics...

2009-07-17T21:41:00.001-04:00

Raw Emotions

2009-07-14T01:44:00.000-04:00

I went to work like normal today. When I got there I did my normal rounds and catching up on what's went on during the shifts before me.

As I was headed back to the nursing station I seen this man. He said, "Hey Rachel! How are you? How have you been? do you remember me?" I looked at this man and remembered his face. I remember that he was a nice man but couldn't for the life of me actually remember who he was. I knew that he had a family member that lived there but I couldn't remember who it was.

He asked me if Ryan was there and I told him yes and he asked if he could see him. So I walk this man back there and turn to walk away when it hits me. I remembered who he was. His father was living there back in 2007. The day I delivered Carly is the day his father was being buried. Ryan was actually attending his fathers funeral while I was at the hospital. I blew Ryan's cell phone up that day trying to get a hold of him.

Anyhow the last time I saw this man I was pregnant with Carly. This man came from the back and stopped to speak to me again. He told me that he felt like God kept telling him to stop in to where I work, the place where his father spent the last days of his life. He told me he had no idea why God wanted him to stop and he finally gave in a decided to stop. Well he prayed with Ryan while he was there. (I wasn't around for that and Ryan has yet to talk to me about it.) Well he walks into the med room while I'm getting things ready for my med pass and stops me to talk. He grabs my hands and holds them in his hands and out of the blue starts saying that God is going to give us children and that God loves me and how everything is going to be ok. He kept going on and on and I couldn't move. I was frozen in that one spot. I couldn't blink or even say a word. All I could do was give a half ass grin and try my best to hold my tears back. I didn't do a very good job at the tears. The came freely. I was quite embarrassed by that. I'm not one to cry in the open about my grief. If I feel the urge to cry i normally make a bee line to the bathroom to hide.

I know the man was trying to be nice and comfort me. I know that he meant well. I am glad I got to see him as I use to love our talks back when I cared for his father. But this came as a shock. This was a blow to my emotions. My normal happy go lucky day soon turned into a day full of anger, depression, and confusion. I never did get back on track. I was a mess all day.

I wonder if Ryan will talk to me about what he said to him? Normally he tells me everything, I'm wondering why I haven't heard anything from him yet. I mean this was like 11 hours ago that this happened. I wanna ask Ryan about it but I'm afraid that if he hasn't mentioned it yet then he may NOT want to talk about it.

Just In Case You're Wondering...

2009-07-11T20:26:00.001-04:00

I have added in all my blog post from Carly's blog to Hannah's blog. Call me weird but I kinda feel bad about writing more on Hannah's blog than Carly's. So in order to fix this I have just mixed them together. I'll also change the name of the blog to just My Angels In Heaven. I'm going to post on Carly's blog about this change and leave it up for those to see. I just won't be writing over there anymore. From now on it will just be here.

Now this blog will contain things about both of my girls, my life, and hopefully in the future months it will contain another pregnancy and a healthy baby.

Sorry for any confusion this may cause anyone but this makes me feel better, like I'm not leaving one of my girls out or showing one space more attention.

I had A Dream Of You Last Night! (Carly)

2009-07-09T22:45:00.000-04:00

You came to me in my dreams last night. Thank You! I needed that! You were small for a while in my dreams. I kept you turned from your left and right side just as if you were still in your isollette in the hospital all except you were home. Then soon you were grown. You were about the size you should be now if you were still here with me. You were walking and learning to talk. I asked you who the man in the bed was and you said pawpaw as you laid your innocent head on my dads arms to show him love. You made me so happy in my dreams last night. I remember crying but I know that they were happy tears. We walked and you showed off the new words you were learning. You had light brown curly hair. You had the most lovely heart and was just so loving.

I love you baby girl. Come see me again in my dreams, I really enjoy it!

Till we meet again....

Love MOM

PLEASE HELP MY FRIEND!!!!

2009-06-18T17:26:00.001-04:00

Carly, is a young woman who has a big heart for helping others. She lost her son Christian a couple of years ago. Since, she has been taking her time to write names in the sand of babies who have passed away for bereaved mothers just like herself. After I lost Carly and Hannah, Carly wrote their names in the sand for me and gave me their pics. It's such a sweet reminder of my girls. Carly does this for thousands of people. It's a full time job for her and she doesn't make a penny.

Carly has entered a contest through Cannon to win a new camera and to also win $60,000 to go to a charity of her choice. She has decided to donate this money to SIDS and Kids Australia. Please take your time to read about her and this contest she has entered. I'll post a link below to her blog. In her blog you will see a link to vote to help er raise money for this charity and to help her get a new camera so she can continue taking pics for these bereaved parents.

Here is here post..........

Tonight I am asking for your help on something. Canon.com have a competition on at the moment called Creative For A Cause.

In their own words "A single photograph can represent the voices of a hundred, thousand or even a million people"

Canon are looking for one photograph. The photograph that receives the most amount of votes will win $60 000 to go to their favorite charity. The photographer will also win a Canon package for themselves.

I have entered this competition and if Christian's photo is the winner I have chosen SIDS and Kids Australia as my award recipient. I will be honest in saying that having the benefit of a brand new professional camera would be such a treat for the evenings I spend at the beach!

So please if you have the time visit this link and vote for Christian's photo in memory of all children lost too soon. We believe this one photo doesn't just represent Christian, but all his other friends too.

Thank You Thank You Thank You!

Here's the link to her post so you can click the link to vote for her.

http://scarletriver26.blogspot.com/2009/06/vote-for-christian.html

The Smell Of Shampoo (Hannah)

2009-06-17T21:58:00.001-04:00

WOW! Who would have ever thought the smell of shampoo could bring back such vivid memories?

I got this morning just like any other day. I cleaned the house and did laundry as Ryan worked in the yard trimming the bushes and blowing off the driveway. I needed to shower before we went out to eat and to a movie. We were out of shampoo and conditioner so I asked Ryan to run to the store and pick some up for me. He asked me if it mattered what kind and I said no. He always ask because I like to change my shampoo often. If I don't change it my hair tends to be oily. Ryan comes home and hands me a bag with shampoo and conditioner in it. I pulled out 2 bottles of Pantene Pro-V and headed to the shower. As the water got warm I got ready. I got in the shower and started my normal routine. I wet my hair first and poured shampoo into my hand. I lathered up my hair like normal and all of a sudden this sense came over me. Kinda like a memory, but really hard to put my finger on exactly how it felt. I was smelling this shampoo, it was a strong beautiful smell. Thoughts of Hannah's pregnancy washed over me with such a quickness. I felt refreshed, I felt free, I had this sense of peace wash through my whole body down to my soul. I could remember what it felt like to hold my belly with her and how it felt to anticipate her arrival. I smelled it, I smelled Hannah. It wasn't until I started to smell the shampoo that I realized I hadn't used this particular shampoo since I was pregnant with Hannah. It brought on so many emotions. I felt more happy than sad. It was almost as if she was here saying, "It's ok, remember me now. Remember me how it was when you were happy and expecting me."

Who would have ever though a normal routine of shampooing my hair could do this to my soul! I felt as if I was being embraced by her presence.

WOW! What A Shocker!

2009-06-11T21:43:00.000-04:00

Well today my mom was scheduled to have a hysterectomy. Well, sorta, more like a laser removing the lining of her uterus. She went in and had all the prep work done. She was taken to the OR and put to sleep. Her husband and her MIL went with her so she could have someone drive her back home once everything was finished.

I called my mom to check on her and see how everything went and how she was feeling. They were just pulling out of the hospital when I called. She said she was fine and only in a little pain but went on to tell me they couldn't preform the procedure. They did however do a DNC. You'll never believe why they couldn't do it. She too has a bicornuate uterus with a septum! This is the exact same thing I have. It's like a heart shaped uterus with a wall down the middle. I have read a lot online about BU and SU that cause birth defects, stillbirths, IUGR (intrauterine growth restriction) and so on and so forth. Anyhow, since all my test have come back giving no clue as to why I've all these problems with pregnancy I could only think that my mis-shaped uterus was the cause of all my problems. Now, granted it very well may BE the cause, BUT my mom had 3 FULL-TERM pregnancies with no problems and never has any miscarriages. So there IS hope that I may still carry a full-term pregnancy. But now I've began to wonder is there an underlying condition that the doctors are looking over? If so what could it be and where would I start to look to figure it out? Well, all I can do it lay it unto the Lord's feet and just have faith that He will bless our marriage with a child.

On another note, my mom is going back to see her doctor in 2 weeks to talk about having a hysterectomy where they only take her uterus and leave her ovaries. Keep her in your thoughts and prayers in the weeks to come.

I Swear I'm Still Alive!

2009-06-10T17:56:00.000-04:00

WOW! Sorry it's been such a long time since my last post. We did go on vacation to the Florida Keys. We stayed for a week and had a blast. We also visited Miami and Fort Myers while we were gone. I went skydiving at Miami Skydiving Center. It's was great! It was an experience of a lifetime! I plan on going to the Blue Ridge mountains and doing it again there. I know the view there will be breathtaking.

I've been working a lot and trying to keep myself busy. We are about to start a memorial garden in the back yard in memory of our daughters. I'll will post more about this later along with some before pics and pics while it's being created. I know it's going to be beautiful. Our daughters are buried more than 30mins away and it's hard to go there often. This will be a great place for us to think of them and it will be right out our back door.

Staying busy is kinda hard when all that's on my mind is having a family. I would love nothing more than to be pregnant right now, but Ryan wants us to wait. We have decided to try again in December of this year. It seems like it will NEVER get here. So just keep us in your thoughts and prayers and pray that when we do actually start TTC that God will bless us with a healthy pregnancy and a healthy child that I can deliver at term and that we can actually bring home to love and take care of. Another pregnancy is going to be beyond stressful so I plan on quitting my job the second I find out and staying home and just take care of myself without the added stress of work.

Well I know it was short but at least it was something. I'm headed off t spend some time with my hubby. Till next time...

I almost forgot! I wanted to show you my skydiving video. I actually played it on my computer and filmed it with my camera because I don't have any DVD ripper software. So it's not as sharp as the original but it's still ok. ENJOY!!

Now don't laugh at me, I HATE talking to a camera, I feel like such a dork! LOL

My Brother....

2009-04-25T00:24:00.000-04:00

This is a video i took this past November of my oldest brother playing and singing a song he wrote shortly after losing our 2 daughters Carly and Hannah. It waasns't finished at the time i recorded this but it's still nice. I'll try to get him to do it again for me in a couple of weeks and I'll post the finished version. ENJOY, I know I did/do.

Hi Everyone!

2009-04-24T12:13:00.000-04:00

Hey everyone. It's been a while since I've posted. I've been working a lot trying to save as much as possible for our trip. Our trip has actually changed. We are not going on a cruise after all. We just booked our stay at Key Largo, FL. We are so excited about that! We leave in less than 2 weeks! We have a lot of our excursions planned already. We want to go para sailing but you can only book that the day of, so we will do that once we get down. We were gonna book a fishing trip but those are so dang expensive. I seen one for nearly a $1000 for 3/4 of a day. There's NO WAY I'm paying that much to go fishing. Heck I can fish in a pond in Stanfield (my old country town) for free! LOL We are going to skydive too!! Well I'm going to skydive. Ryan's a punk and a wussy and won't do it! He says he'll film me from the ground. The skydiving company or group or what ever you call them will do a professional video and pics an you get copies when you leave. This will be the highlight of my trip. I'll be doing this in Miami. We went yesterday to Aldi grocery store (SUPER CHEAP FOODS----GREAT DEALS) yesterday to buy all the non-perishable food items such as chips, canned foods, snacks, you know, things that won't go bad between now and when we get down there. It's so much cheaper to buy things like that then wait till we get there and go shopping. We'll get our milk and meats and other cold or frozen items when we get there. We only paid $110 in the store yesterday! That's great, because it would cost you that much in a day if you just ate out for a full day.

I've been tanning for our trip so I won't burn when I get down there. So much good that has done, I've managed to get burnt TWICE now laying in the tanning bed! *shakes head* I could get burnt for free down there! LOL Oh well, I'll just slow it done just a hair in the beds. Ryan and I went shopping for our trip Wed and my friend Jaira and I went shopping yesterday. Ryan and I got lots of new clothes. Mine we SOOOOO needed. Ever since being pregnant nothing fits right anymore. I knew I'd never wear my size 0's again. Heck I new that after Carly was born, so I gave all my clothes away to my little cousin. Then after Carly was born I bought a few tings but then I was soon pregnant again with Hannah so there went that! So now that I've lost weight and I'm no longer pregnant and I'M GOING ON VACATION, I figured why not!! Hey I got a sweat shirt at Pac Sun (in case I get chilly in the night)that was on sale for $10, but the tag said 2.99 so I got it even cheaper!! I got a sweet bag at Pac Sun for $2.99 too!! They had a great sale going on!

Before we go on vacation I have to go to court! Uggg, my tag on my car had been expired since October of 2008. I knew I needed to get it done but just kept putting it off, till finally a few weeks ago I got pulled over. The officer gave me a ticket and told me to get it fixed and if I prove I fixed it I may not have to pay a fine and it may get thrown out of court. So I got it fixed so here's hoping!

I'll have tons of pics and videos for when we get back. I may not blog again till then. I'm trying to work some overtime for some extra money so that's kinda cutting into my time at home lately. Everyone take care and I'll post again soon with exciting things to share!

LOST

2009-04-08T21:05:00.000-04:00

Anyone watch LOST on Wed. nights? Oh my goodness, I am SO addicted to this show! It's a comercial break right now so I thought I'd take a sec to post on my blog that I have been neglecting so much lately. I really don't have much to talk about right now but I wanted to post pics of my sweet Hannah. I'm sure you have seen these pics in the video I posted but I want to post them anyways to remember her tonight. She would have been 5 months old yesterday.

Todays Encouragement from Proverbs 31.

2009-04-06T13:29:00.000-04:00

I Know How I Designed It
Van Walton

"…we are God's workmanship created in Christ Jesus…" Ephesians 2:10 (NIV)

My amazing husband can do anything. He's a fix-it man. There isn't anything he can't repair or create. He rebuilds damaged computers for family and friends, repairs weed eaters and garage door openers for neighbors, and rescues broken furniture from trash heaps. Recently he brought a chair home from a dinner party. It wasn't a gift and we didn't steal it. Someone sat in it and broke it!

After two days of taking the chair apart - performing what looked like orthopedic surgery to me, you know when pins and screws are inserted to keep bones and joints from further damage – followed by a little gluing, sanding, and staining, the chair looked brand new.

"Wow!" I said, impressed.

"Sit in it and rock back," he encouraged.

"Rock back? I don't think so! What if I break it?"

"Oh, believe me. You won't."

"How do you know?" I asked, not convinced.

"I know how I designed it. I know the pressure points and how much stress it can take" he responded with a smile of confidence. "Go on. Sit in it and rock back."

I sat down and rocked back.

The chair was solid. I don't care who sits in it, or how they land in it now, it will not break.

I think about the times we don't believe we can handle any more stress. The pressure seems overwhelming and we cry, "Time out! I can't take any more!"

God responds, "Trust me. You will not be destroyed. I know your pressure points. I know how much stress you can take. I know how I designed you."

I cannot describe the peace I felt when I related the work of my husband's hands to the work of God's hand.

Of course He knows how much I can take. After all He is my Creator, the one who bent down by the river and fashioned me with His hands. He's the one who knit me together in the depths of my mother's womb, the one who is called the Potter.

He knows the exact temperature needed in the kiln to create the perfect clay vessel. He knows how hot the fire must be to separate the dross from the silver and gold. He knows how much pressure a diamond or emerald must withstand in order for it to come forth solid and brilliant. He knows how long the irritant must sit in an oyster before it becomes a pearl.

My Father knows exactly how much I can take. He knows because He designed me. With that realization I am able to trust Him and smile at the future, no matter how hard life is today.

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This is such a good devotion to me. This one as well as many others from this great website seem to hit home with me. I hope everyone who reads this get as much from it as I have!

God Bless!

To read more devotions please click here to visit Proverbs 31.

Knock, Knock..."who's there?"

2009-03-31T11:26:00.000-04:00

Well not too much has happen since my last post. I was sick for about a week with what seemed to be the flu. I still have a little congestion but it's almost completely gone. Work has been ok. I've been trying to work some over time so I can a few extra bucks to go towards the savings for our cruise that we want to go on. We had nearly $1000 set aside for the cruise hen we got our auto insurance bill in. Ugggg, just our luck. We pay our insurance for a 6 month span. So the money we had saved for the cruise was spent on keeping our insurance up. So we are back to the drawing board again. We each get 3 weeks paid vacation at work this year. hat we plan on doing is each getting a check cut for 2 weeks ( 4 weeks total between the both of us)and using that money to pay for our cruise. The the money we say from now until the day we sail out will be our spending money while we are gone. It doesn't take us long to save money, it just seems when we do get a good bit saved something like the insurance comes up, or we have to pay taxes. Soon we will have our last 2 credit cards paid off and that will help us a ton! We've already cut them up so now it's just a matter of getting them paid. We owe $1700 on one and $300 on another. So they aren't too bad.

I need to get to the dentist and get some teeth fixed. I have been pregnant for the most part of the last 2 years and haven't been able to have any X-Rays done to get my teeth worked on. So in the next week or so I'm going to make an appointment and finally get it done. After I have my teeth fixed and I get to go on our vacation I'll be happy!

I'm going to be making an appointment in the next few days with a new OB/GYN. I've heard great things about this new doctor. He's not only a regular OB/GYN he's also a high risk doctor. I'll have an appointment to discuss my history and talk about TTC in the next few months. I want to make sure that my new doctor is going to be on top of things and do things as I wish. I've been taking my aspirin 81mg every day and my prenatal vitamins every day for a little over a month now. My MFM doctor wants me on those for AT LEAST 3 months prior to even trying. So I'm hoping that if all goes well we may start TTC again in July maybe. I will be glad to come off of this birth control though. Gosh, it makes me so bloated that I constantly look pregnant already. I HATE that. I'd like to have my flat stomach back again if I'm not with child.

My little brother and I went to Fayettville last Saturday to go to our nephew's birthday party. He turned 5 this year! His party as a Star Wars Theme. My gracious at the kids there. They had his part at the church and all the kids from the church were there. There had to be like 20 5 year olds there. That's not counting the 1-3 yr olds and a few 8-10 yr olds, plus their parents. The church was packed!! Needless to say our nephew Brendan had a great time with all his friends. I was so glad we were able to be a part of it.

Well not much else to report. I'll leave you with a few random pics! Enjoy!

This is my little brother and our nephew Micah.

Ryan and I on our wedding day!!

And Lastly Ryan and I on our night out after the wedding!

Where Has The Time Gone?

2009-03-09T22:19:00.000-04:00

Gosh, it seems like it was only yesterday that I was in the delivery room having you. You were SO tiny and fragile. I called you tennis ball head for the longest time. You were small and sick but you were perfect. I was at the hospital daily to see you for hours on end. When I couldn't hold you I would just watch you. The days in the NICU were long and seemed as if they would never end. Who ever knew though that they WOULD end in SUCH a way. It was one year ago today that I held you for the last time as we wished you a farewell to your eternal home. I miss holding you, talking to you, and giving you a bath. I miss the way your breath smells and the sound of the alarms, as scary as they were at times. I miss that look in your eyes when it was just me and you. You made my bad days better. i thought life with out you was getting easier to deal with until the days leading up to today. I've cried a river of tears that the largest dam couldn't hold back. It was as if it was all replaying over and over again in my head, like throwing salt into a fresh wound. I've found myself thinking of how things should be instead of how they actually are. By now you should be walking and saying mommy and daddy. I should be watching you laugh and giggle as you play. We should be going on walks and I should be reading you your nightly bed time stories, instead you bedtime story book lays silently beside you as you rest beneath the surface of this old world.

I took the preemie clothing to the Levine's today as well as 3 other hospitals. I also shipped 2 boxes to 2 different hospitals. It was hard walking into that NICU again today for the first time since you've passed. I'll always remember the smell of that place, it's one I could never forget. Seeing those big electric doors again and those portable isollettes almost took my breath away as I held back the tears. I seen Dr. Hicky, she took care of you for a while. She gave me a big hug, and again I had to fight back more tears. Then there was Tony. The man who always knew how to make me smile when things were bad. He came behind me and put his arm around me. Yet again more emotions and more tears held back. So many familiar faces and so many familiar things. as much as I miss you though, I never wish you back in that place to suffer for another second.

Baby girl, I'll see you again some day. Take care of you little sister until I can make it home. I love you and miss you more than any words could say or emotions could show. Hugs and kisses my sweet baby.

Love, Mom

It's been a while!

2009-03-05T22:00:00.000-05:00

It's been quite sometime since I've written a post here.

I did get married on the 14th of February. It was real nice. We had it at the retirement home so all of our residents (family) could be their to share in that special moment. So it's official...I'm an Elliotte now!

The little baby that I was asking for prayers for, Baby Jake, well the good Lord called him home. So please keep his family in your prayers for comfort and strength during these times.

As far as the girl that is pregnant with the baby who the doctors are saying will not survive, well she doesn't want to talk to me or anyone else. I have to say I completely understand. I too for a little while didn't want to talk to anyone either. So all I can ask is that everyone pray for her comfort and strength.

I had quite a surprise in the mail the other day. I got a card from someone I don't know. In the card was a check for $100. The check had a name on it but not one I knew. I actually don't even know any from where the card came from. This was such a blessing to our family. We have been low on funds this past week. We are having to pay our taxes and our regular mortgage and utilities. So with the taxes being an added bill it left us near broke. So if you are reading this and you are the one who sent the check, thank you! You have truly blessed our family this week. Isn't God good!?!?! He knows just when to step in!

I've been working a lot lately trying to get some overtime in to make extra money so we can save for our LATE honeymoon. We are hoping to go on a cruise. Time will tell if we will actually be able to do this. I hope we can though. I've never been but I've heard it's really nice.

Well only 4 more days till the anniversary of Carly's death. It's hard to believe it's been a year since she has gone home. I think of my girls often but I really been thinking about them a lot lately. i have a memory box for both girls with all of their belongings in it. I've been wanting to open them and look through their things but I have yet been able to bring my self to do it.

Well hopefully it won't be as long before I post next time. Until then, God Bless!!!

Pray For Baby Jake!!

2009-02-19T23:38:00.000-05:00

Baby Jake is in the CVICU (cardiovascular intensive care unti) at Levine Children's Hospital. He has CDH was Hypoplastic right heart syndrome, possible transplant. He needs our prayers too! His caringbridge site is under JacobWarfield. Please stop by this site and show your support and give much needed thougts and prayers. We know God will is in control. I pray that God watches over baby Jake and works through the doctors to give him the best care possible. I pray that if he does need a transplant that he is able to get it quickly and make a fast full recovery. Please let everyone you know, know about this precious child so we can have him lifted up by many to God!!!

Need Some Serious Prayer Warriors!!!!

2009-02-18T16:31:00.000-05:00

I got a call today from my brother. My brother is a music pastor in his church. He told me of a girl today that is currently attending his church. She wasn't feeling well and went to the hospital yesterday. She found out she was 7 months pregnant. The doctor told her that her baby boy would not survive. The baby's brain is not fully developed. She is very upset right now and is new to the christian faith. Rodney (my brother) asked me if I would talk to her. I told him I would and I have yet to talk to her as of now. One thing I know for sure is that the doctors aren't always right. Carly's brain wasn't formed completely either, and we enjoyed her for 4 months. I know another lady who's twin grandchildren were born and one of the baby's brain wasn't divided and they told them the baby wouldn't survive either it's now been 8 months and the baby is doing well with developmental delays, but she's her and alive. God is always in control and always has the last say. I have been crying for this girl because I know what it's like to carry a baby and know that the outcome may not be good. I have also went through 2 losses in less than 8 months. The pain is very real and hurts to your core. God is good though and has strengthened me through our struggles here on earth. I pray that God will give this girl peace and strength to what ever may come her way. I also ask for her faith to grow stronger day by day. I pray that God places her hand on this little boy and heals his body with every ounce of healing power He has. Please join with me and become prayer warriors for this girl and her unborn child. We know that God is capable of ALL things and nothing is too big for Him to handle. Please pass along this information to as many people as possible so that we can get as many prayers as possible for this girl and her baby boy. The doctors did say that she would have to carry the baby to term and go ahead with a normal delivery.

Lets come together and get the whole world praying that God will show Himself through a BIG miracle!!! Maybe this is what she's needs to strengthen her faith and reach out to others in need!

From Proverbs31

2009-02-05T23:51:00.000-05:00

This is today's devotion that is listed on Proverbs31.org. After talking to my high risk OB today and letting the information sink in some I came to this devotion. This really makes sense to my life. My life has been interrupted with many different road construction sites. First it was my pregnancy and life with Carly then it was her death. Then it was my little brothers car accident leaving him suffering with a severe traumatic brain injury then the birth our dead second daughter Hannah. My life has been full of interruptions, but I know that soon it will lead to a beautiful garden that God has been patiently creating for me to enjoy. I just have to keep on following God path and soon He will reveal it to me. Please read on to see what I'm talking about.

Orange and White Barrels
Van Walton

“I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths… I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth. These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them.” Isaiah 42:16 (NIV)

Last spring I monotonously approached my neighborhood exit where a newly posted sign announced that I could not make my normal left turn. Lined up on the road as far as I could see around the bend was a neatly laid row of orange and white barrels. Road construction had interrupted my usual routine.

My daily plans would now be detoured due to the construction. Faced with this disruption that would surely put a kink in my life, I felt agitated and even hit the steering wheel with my fist. I would have to design new ways to reach my destinations and I wasn’t happy about it.

One day when construction was completed enough to allow some through traffic, I turned left and surveyed the sights. I couldn’t believe what I saw. No more lovely forest. Gone were the inviting trails into the woods. Decades-old wooden fences and bridges had disappeared. Honestly, the place resembled the combined affects of earthquake and fire. That whole summer I rolled up to the intersection with its orange and white barrels, and it triggered in me negative thoughts and feelings.

Soon after, my life was more seriously interrupted. A disturbing phone call forced me to drop everything. The bad news exploded like a bomb - my heart and mind quaked with emotion. Spiritual frustration filled my soul in the following months. I can’t remember how many times my fist hit hard places. I screamed at God when life carried me away from the direction I wanted to take.

“How long will You take me out of my way?” I questioned God. I longed for my life before the interruption. Managing my days on autopilot was no longer an option as I faced my new circumstances. Slowly I began to see that this spiritual reconstruction paralleled the roadwork outside my neighborhood.

Once all the orange and white barrels were gone and I was free to turn left at that intersection, I appreciated the results. Smooth asphalt spread out before me. Two lanes of traffic moved steadily. The “earthquake zone” had been transformed into a park-like setting. A tree-lined sidewalk encouraged pedestrians to walk toward the ballpark and the neighborhood church. Admiring the new landscape, I realized I’d been inconvenienced, but now I could see that the long delays were worthwhile.

Today, although my life continues to zigzag through various “construction sites,” I realize God allowed me to experience the orange and white-barreled roads to illustrate a truth. He is at work up ahead rearranging the landscape of my life. Psalm 37:34 says, “Put your hope in the Lord. Travel steadily along his path. He will honor you by giving you the land.” (NLT)

I may not be able to see what that land looks like, but I believe His Word. So, with His help, I put my hope in Him, traveling the paths He lays out for me, even though they are not the familiar roads I would normally take.

Father God, You know how difficult life is right now. My interrupted life and the difficult roads You have me traveling feel like they’ll break me. Give me the capacity to graciously travel the paths You lay out before me. Help me trust You, In Jesus’ name, Amen.

Related Resources:
Visit Van Walton’s blog

From the Pound to the Palace by Van Walton

Hidden Joy in a Dark Corner by Wendy Blight

Application Steps:
Memorize one of the referenced Bible verses. Pray it out loud when disruptions threaten to interrupt your life.

Reflections:
How has my life been interrupted recently?

How would God have me respond to this most recent disturbance?

Power Verses:
Psalm 25:4, “Show me the right path, O Lord; point out the road for me to follow.” (NLT)

© 2009 by Van Walton. All rights reserved.

My High Risk Doctor Finally Called Me Back Today!!

2009-02-05T20:15:00.000-05:00

Well several things were brought up. The first thing brought up was Hannah's size. Dr. Mitra said she was def. too small. But you know Dr. Hall and the autopsy report said she was normal size for her gestation. Dr. Mitra assured me that they were wrong. I knew she was small but when I was told she was not I just figured it 'could' be normal for her to be that size. Guess I was wrong. As far as the infection, Dr. Mitra said there was only traces of it and not enough to cause a problem. He said if it was enough to cause a problem that it would have thrown me into pre-term labor and I would have been very sick with high fevers and chills. He is more concerned about her growth. He thinks she was taking the same path as Carly, but just in a later stage during the pregnancy. He has no clue as to why this keeps happening. He says he's already done all the test there is to do on me and there's nothing left to do as far as testing goes. He says he can't promise that it won't happen again either. He did say he wants me to take a baby aspirin and prenatal vitamin for 3 months prior to getting pregnant again. He says I don't have to go on bed rest or anything like that. He says if it does happen again it's nothing I'm doing or anything I can do to prevent it. He said he would follow me the entire pregnancy next time and I would be considered extremely high risk. He said if things start to look shaky we would discuss getting me admitted to the hospital for the remainder of the pregnancy and monitoring me before delivering early and having a stay in the NICU. He was very concerned as to why Dr. Hall didn't let me have a VBAC. He said that would have been the best route to go. Now that I have 2 different scars on my uterus it may be next to impossible to have a VBAC the next time. I asked him about the placenta increta and he said that they can prove that I even had it. But if I did indeed have it it's possible that get it again and that the worst thing that could happen is having a hysterectomy. He said if I really wanted to have a child then that alone shouldn't stop us from trying. I asked how long I should wait and he said he couldn't make that decision for me. I told him I have heard a year to wait after a c-section is what I've heard and he said that it couldn't hurt to wait a year but it wouldn't hurt if we decided to TTC earlier. So that's it, we have no clue as to what's going on. But here's my take on it. I have a bicournate uterus, and I've read that women with a BU have a higher risk of IUGR (intrauterine growth restriction). So with Carly she was SEVERELY restricted, I think she stretched my uterus some and allowed Hannah to grow bigger and longer. Now I think that with Hannah being a good bit bigger than Carly she stretched my uterus even more. So I think when we get pregnant again it will go even longer the next time. But who knows, that's just my thoughts. Regardless of what happens next time I'm going to be worried sick the WHOLE time! Now as far as when we are going to start TTC, that's still in question. Maybe in June and maybe in September and maybe later. We are just trying to soak in all the info right now. I know right now I don't feel emotionally ready.

It Snowed!

2009-02-04T23:41:00.001-05:00

Last night before going to bed Ryan opened the door to look out like he always does. He said, "Rachel, it snowed!" I couldn't believe it. The weather man assured us that we wouldn't see any snow here. I should have known better, they are never right. So before I laid down for the night I grabbed my camera to snap a picture. By time I woke up today at 11am (I know...I was being lazy!) it was almost completely gone, but the bone chilling air was still there. The snow is always so pretty. It's like God is covering everything with His glory. Wiping away all imperfections. It's always been so breath taking for me.

Update on Loren and Her Baby Evan

2009-02-04T11:30:00.000-05:00

They are awaiting discharge papers now! Evan is going home today. He weighs 4 pounds 3 ounces right now. Loren is beyond excited to be bring her new baby boy home to start their family. Thank you all so much for your prayers during this time.

When Your Worst Fears are Realized

2009-02-02T13:06:00.000-05:00

I read this on Proverbs 31 Ministries . I think this is a great web site and has tons of daily devotions. All of these things on this site remain true and I see how they fit my everyday life. I read this one today and wanted to share it with everyone.

When Your Worst Fears are Realized
Marybeth Whalen

“You came near when I called you, and you said, ‘Do not fear.’” Lamentations 3:57 (NIV)

All my life, I had two very real fears: that I would have a child with a birth defect, and that my marriage would break up. Even before I was married, I worried about how I would handle these things if they happened. Perhaps that seems silly to some, but some of you might know exactly what I am talking about. Your fears are always lurking, taunting you with their possibility.

In Isaiah, God told Hezekiah of the impending exile of his descendants to Babylon, but assured him he would already be dead by the time this happened. In our humanness, we can identify with Hezekiah when he thought with relief, “At least there will be peace and security during my lifetime” (Isaiah 39:6-8, NLT). That was Hezekiah’s fear talking—fear that something terrible like that would happen in his lifetime. And what a loud voice fear can have. Sometimes it can even overpower the voice of God as He lovingly reassures us of His nearness.

As you can probably guess, my two worst fears were realized. My third child was born with a severe birth defect that kept him hospitalized for months, then with full-time nursing care when he was home. He was dependent on a trach and a g-tube just to live. I had entered a world I knew nothing about, the very world I had feared all my life. Later on, in the aftermath of our son’s birth, my marriage also fell apart. The years of struggle and financial stress took their toll and left my husband and I virtual strangers. We would have to fight to save our wrecked marriage. I was living my worst nightmare.

But I was living.

I learned in the midst of our struggles that our verse today is so true. God does draw near to us in the midst of our worst fears. Even as we walk through the valley of the shadow of death—the death of a loved one, the death of our dreams, the death of a marriage—He is with us, just as He promised. Not only is He near us, He is working things out, growing our faith and our character as we wrestle with our fears and learn to accept His will. While we can’t understand why He allows our fears to materialize, we later realize that we have come to know Him in a whole new way through them. He is our reward for persevering.

I know that, for me, I have come to appreciate what I went through and, while I would never choose to go through it again, I also am grateful (yes, grateful) for what God birthed within me as I lived out my worst fears. I learned that in our struggles we will see Him. In our trials we will learn to trust Him. And in our fears we will come to a new level of faith.

Dear Lord, Help me to trust in You even as my fears are realized. Help me to hear Your voice telling me that You are with me, and that I don’t need to be afraid. Help me to feel your nearness. Most of all, Lord, help me to see Your purpose for me even as I am walking through trials. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

Update On Loren

2009-01-29T20:45:00.000-05:00

Loren delivered her baby boy via c-section today. He weighed 4 pounds 9 ounces and 17 inches long. He's in the NICU right now on a vent. He had some fluid on his lungs. He has also had a feeding tube placed. As far as I know Loren has yet to seen Evan yet. She's doing ok but this was VERY unexpected for her and her husband. Please keep Loren and Evan in your prayers. I'll update again as soon as I know more.

Prayers For Loren

2009-01-28T02:26:00.000-05:00

My friend Loren is 34 weeks pregnant and has had preeclampsia for about 2 weeks now. She's finally been admitted to the hospital and is going to have a c-section in a matter of hours. She is so scard right now. Please keep her and her baby boy Evan in your prayers.

Baby Shower Time!

2009-01-28T01:56:00.000-05:00

Leelou a friend who has help me and other friends of mine is pregnant. She is having a virtual baby shower. She would love it if you could attend. Lets make this the biggest virtual baby shower ever! Click on the link below to see how this works. The second button below will take you to Leelou's blog where you too can get a button and add it to your blogg so this can reach as many people as possible! Thanks everyone, lets make this a very special day for her!

http://i231.photobucket.com/albums/ee180/juliewuliee/linkbuttonfinal.png"/>

A Sneak Peek!

2009-01-24T19:34:00.000-05:00

Here's a sneak peek of what's to come. I'm posting pics of my wedding gown when I was trying it on at the bridal shop. I love the dress. It is more elegant than most that I seen and I'm not too much on all the puffy styles out there. I know that's just a matter of opinion though. Hope you like it. Oh and I'm also going to post pics of my new wedding band. I'm actually going back to buy another just like it because I think it will look so pretty with the band on both sides of my engagement ring.

Oh yeah and one more thing before I get on with the pics. I have got down to 120 pounds!!! I was 158 when I delivered Hannah, and 126 when I became pregnant with her. I was 113 when I got pregnant with my 1st daughter Carly, so I'm not too far away from that. My goal is 110, so hopefully in about 2 months I'll have met my goal. I'm not trying to lose anymore before the wedding because I only want to have my dress altered once!

WOW! It's Been A Long Time!

2009-01-18T00:23:00.000-05:00

It's been a while since I've posted on here. Well it's a new year, and I have to say the past year has defiantly been rough. First in November 2007 I delivered my first daughter Carly 12 weeks premature. We were in the NICU for 4 long months. We had many ups and downs, but we managed to enjoy every second we got with her. In March of 2008 Carly suddenly passed away from a heart defect. This was such a hard time as we thought she would be coming home soon. We had just had a meeting 3 days prior talking about her coming home. Well only 2 weeks after Carly passed away my little brother was in a severe car accident. He drove a mustang convertible. When her wrecked his car flipped and tossed him 40 feet across the street and landed him in a small creek. He was found by the EMT in a coma. He was rushed to a local hospital to be treated. The local hospital was unable to care for his level of injury, and he was air lifted to Carolina's Medical Center. He was in the neurosurgical intensive care unit for about 3 weeks where he remained in a coma. He was eventually moved to rehab where he finished out his 2 month stay in the hospital. He had to learn how to walk again, talk again, think again, and even had to learn how to eat again. At first the doctors weren't sure if he would even survive. And then when they thought that he would they said that he would have to have 24 hour 7 day a week nursing care. Well God truly had his hand on Josh. He's walking, talking and just being Josh again. He still has problems with his memory but he's getting back to his normal self. Well 2 weeks after Josh had his wreck I became pregnant again. You all know about my pregnancy. You all know how it ended with Hannah's stillbirth at 32 weeks. Yet another bump in the road I travel. Well I have to say that God has truly carried me through this past year. He's given me all the strength and courage to carry on. Having this preemie clothing drive in Carly's memory has really helped me with dealing with my daughters death.

I'm finally back in school. I've been in school since 2006 part time working on my nursing degree. I never really knew what field of nursing I wanted to go into until I delivered Carly. Now I know that I want to and feel lead to be a NICU nurse. So I'm back in school and it's still part time. But soon enough I will reach my goal. I know it will be a full filling career. I really look forward to working with premature babies in the future.

Now for some more news. I got Hannah's autopsy back a few weeks ago. The cause of death came back undetermined. That was heartbreaking to hear. I was really hoping for some answers. Well the more I search and look over things I found out I had the same infection in my placenta with Hannah as I had with Carly. I also found links online linking this infection to stillbirths. So I'm hoping to go back to my MFM soon and talk these things over and see if there is anything we can do to possibly have the chance of having another baby but healthy. So everyone please pray that something can be figured out.

Last but not least, Ryan and I have set a date to get married. After being together for nearly 6 years we are finally getting married on the 14th of February. This was short notice decision that we made but it will be sweet and simple. I'm so glad to be moving forward. We've been in counseling still yet and are learning to love each other on a whole new level.

Well to everyone who reads this I wish you all a very happy and blessed new year.

Rachel

In Memory Of Carly....Preemie Onesie Drive

2008-12-29T13:05:00.000-05:00

I'm holding my first annual preemie onesie drive in memory of Carly. The donations will be given to the babies and famlies at the hospital's NICU where Carly lived her 4 months of life. For more information please visit preemieonesiedrive.blogspot.com

PLEASE HELP!!!!

2008-12-27T20:56:00.001-05:00

Please read the following blog to see how you can help the preemies in the neonatal intensive care unit (NICU) in memory of Carly, my daughter who passed away after a 4 month battle in the NICU.

http://preemieonesiedrive.blogspot.com/

This is a new blog I have started.

A Good Story

2008-12-20T01:12:00.000-05:00

God How Can You Use Me In The Condition I'm In?
"God how can you use me in the condition I'm in?" I have asked that question more than once in my life.

It was a hot summer day; I tried filling it to capacity. Despite being a young mother of four active children I still found time that morning to take in a round of golf with the girls. The afternoon was spent with my kids at the local recreation club to which we belong. I worked at perfecting my diving skills while the kids splashed and played, soaking up the sun's penetrating rays. The late afternoon and evening, we spent at the ball field where our oldest son played Little League baseball.

I noticed dizziness and a blurring of my vision but brushed it off thinking I had just over done in the heat of the day. Over the next weeks the symptoms only worsened and I was hospitalized and given the diagnosis of Multiple Sclerosis.

That conclusion was reached over thirty years ago. I was less than happy with the verdict but did not let it defeat me. I have never really blamed anything or anyone for the sentence that was doled out to me that day. I did question what the revenge of such a disease would mostly mean and what were my options for treatment. I then decided to live my life the best I could in spite of the likely conclusions I was apt to face.

I have never been able to understand how people can blame God turning against Him blaming Him for the misfortunes that come to their lives. It's in the valleys of my life that I need God the most. He is where I draw my strength. I'm not saying I have never called out asking Him "Why?" That is only human nature and I am sure God understands our anguish; after all Jesus called out as He hung on the cross, “My God, my God, why has thou forsaken me?"

I've always taken my circumstances pretty much in stride. I've cried of course and wished things were different. I've mourned for the way things use to be, but I've gone on the best that I could, doing most of the things that I wanted using first one aide and then another. I've been down and depressed at times, I can't deny that. I've been scared to death of what tomorrow might hold and I still have those fears to this day. My biggest fear is that I may become a burden to my love ones. I fear to some extent I already have. Being a very independent person before my illness, dependence on another has always been my biggest concern.

Through the years I have had some bad times; I've seen more and more of my abilities wane from me. MS has tried to suck the very essences of who I am. I have lived with numbness for years; I have experienced blurred and double vision. Pain has been a part of my persona and medications has almost doubled my size. Medicines have weakened my bones; falls have resulted in painful breaks. My unsteady walk gave in to the use of a cane, then two canes, then a wheelchair on occasions, then to the full time use of a three wheel motorized scooter. I no longer drive a car and depend on others to take me to the places I want to go. I have been so tired and weak at times I just wanted to die. Besides physical problems I have experienced family problems, financial and business problems. Like everyone else I have faced my share of adversities.

My husband and family have always been there for me, yet they have not always understood. The doctors even do not realize the extent of difficulties and suffering MS people deal with. Through all of my hardships and trials though, there has always been someone beside me that I could count on, that is Jesus Christ my Lord and Savior. He knows of my afflictions, He suffered far more than I. He realizes my distress when others fail to understand, for He too was misunderstood.

I have prayed for God to keep me on my feet; I didn't have to resort to my three-wheel scooter until my children were all raised, that was a blessing and an answer to prayer. I have prayed for a healing; I've prayed for the ability to rise above this disease to endure it, to witness in spite of it. I have asked Him time and time again, "How can you use me in the condition I'm in?" It was then that He directed me to this passage in the Bible:

2 Corinthians Chapter 12 verses 7 through 10 in the Living Bible, it reads: Because these experiences I had were so tremendous, God was afraid I might be puffed up by them; so I was given a physical condition which has been a thorn in my flesh, a messenger from Satan to hurt and bother me, and prick my pride. Three times I begged God to make me well again.

Each time he said, No. But I am with you; that is all you need. My power shows up best in weak people. Now I am glad to boast about how weak I am; I am glad to be a living demonstration of Christ power, instead of showing off my own power and abilities. Since I know it is all for Christ's good, I am quite happy about insults and hardships, persecutions and difficulties; for when I am weak, then I am strong -- the less I have, the more I depend on him.

I am no saint, just ask my husband! But because of Christ in my life and His walking beside me, carrying me at times, I'm able to hold my head high and continue on. I have not always been someone God could be proud of; I've not always been proud of myself. But because of God's goodness and His love and forgiveness and His strength I can face whatever may lie before me. I pray that through the sickness I must endure and the weakness that grips me, that He may be seen in my spirit and that the love I have for Him may spill over to those my life touches. For without Him I am nothing; with Him I am everything He wants me to be. When I am weak, then He is strong; the less I have, the more I depend on Him. My prayer now is, "God use me in whatever condition I'm in."

By Betty King
Submitted by Richard
“One Nation Under God”

I found this story on christianfourms.com. This may not be my exact situation but I can relate to this story in so many ways. It makes me feel better about what life has given to me in the hopes that God used my tragedy to His glory!

Dear God,

2008-12-15T23:33:00.000-05:00

I come to you now laying Kayleigh at your feet. Father you know her struggles and you know her family's fears and concerns. Father I pray to you know that you watch over sweet Kayleigh and heal her tiny body. I pray that you allow her to grow quickly and overcome this battle with hypertension. I pray that these new meds the doctors are using work and work fast. I ask you to give Kayleigh the strength and courage to continue fighting. I pray that you give her parents the strength and courage to continue through this battle with Kayleigh. Give them peace as well. Father I have no clue why things happen the way they do. And I have no clue as to why things happen to certin people. But Father I trust in you to lead, guide and direct us in all we encounter. We know you don't cause things to happen but we KNOW that you will give us what we need to carry on. We can only keep faith in knowing that You are God and that You will never leave nor forsake us. Father You have given us Your Son Christ to die on a cross for our sins so that we can live eternally with you in heaven. Such a large sacrafice makes the things we go through so small. But You know Father that to us the obstacals we face in life are hard on us. And I know that you are always there to comfort us and catch our tears as they fall. Father Kayleigh and her family need you right now! They need you to let them know that you are still God and You are still with them! They need you to comfort them. I pray that You do all these things and that You just give them the peace in knowing that You will hold and comfort them no matter what! Again Father I just pray that you wrap you arms around Kayleigh and heal her little body. Hold Adam and Ammie as they go through this with her. We are waiting on you Lord. And we have faith in knowing Your will be done! Father lay your hands on the doctors and allow them to quickly know and treat any old or new problems that may come Kayleighs way. Give the doctors the knowledge to care for her in the way that needs to be done. Father we love you and give you all the honor, praise and glory. Thank You so much for all the things you have given to us and Kayleigh's family. Thank You for all You've done, are doing, and will do. We praise You and thank You, in Jesus name...Amen

Our First Counseling Session Today!

2008-12-06T15:22:00.000-05:00

We went to the counselor today. It started off talking about our children, my brother, Ryan losing his grandfather all this year. Then it steered off into our relationship with each other. **Which needs work let me tell ya!** So any ways we were able to openly and honestly Communicate to each other. It was really great to actually hear things from each other that otherwise we wouldn't talk about. We are gonna have grief counseling throughout this process but as well as couples counseling. This was a FANTASTIC session! We both got sooooo much from it. We even kept openly talking once we got in the car all the way back to Ryan's work. The counselor is around our age and I think that's great as she will be able to relate more to us than a 60 year old person would. I think this was a big step for us in the right direction to get ourselves where we want to be with each other and our emotions. We go back again next Thursday.

WHY????

2008-12-02T15:50:00.000-05:00

Well I guess today that's the BIg question. I've been so strong. I've held back all tears and any sorta of emotion you would normally think to see in a mother who has just lost her child, let alone 2 in the same year. I've held others as they feel weak and tell them things are gonna be ok. But I stand there as a solid stone without a crack. How can this be? How can a mother who lost 2 children be so strong? I keep asking myself that question. Am I cold? Do I have no heart? What's wrong with me. I keep telling myself and others that it's God giving me the strength. And I KNOW that He does but why do I feel like I'm not grieving? I feel like the worst mother ever! I LOVE my girls. And today I find myself crying asking the question, WHY? Why can't I have them? Why must they leave? Why do I have to be faced with never being able to bear children of my own? Why does everyone else have a happy go lucky pregnancy? Why are mine always so hard? Why not just one more minute? Why not me instead? I want my girls so bad! I want to hold them and never let them go. I wanna tell 'em how much I love them. I wanna see their first smiles and hear their first words. See them take their first steps. Go on their first date. I want all those things and yet they have been taken from me. I've wanted so bad to be a mother from the time I was a little girl. And I feel like that day will never come.

Ryan and I finally start grief counseling this Saturday at 1:30 with a christian based group. I have a feeling that she may pull feelings that I've buried deep down for so long out and I may end up being a basket case. But non the less they have to come out I know. I just really hope and pray that this along with prayers helps us get through this.

We are still unsure as to what happened. And I know I never posted anything other than the video. But at 32 weeks Hannah stopped moving. I felt her early morning an the 7th of November but never thought much of it afterwards. Then by 12 midnight I realized I hadn't felt her move in a long time. So I went to the ER and was sent directly to L&D and through u/s they noticed that her heart had stopped beating. I delivered her sometime after 9am that morning. She was so beautiful. I had complication during my delivery and almost lost my uterus. I was advised though to not try and conceive again though as it could put my life at risk. They sent my placenta out to pathology and it came back with an infection in there. I also had an infection with Carly. Not sure how I got an infection either times seeing as how my membranes NEVER ruptured. An autopsy was done on Hannah later that night on the day she was born. So far nothing has come back. We are hoping to have more info on that at my next appointment on the 18th of Dec.

Death Leaves A Heartache That NO ONE can heal...
LOVE Leaves A Memory That No One Can Steal!
Love you girls! I know we'll meet again someday! <3

In Memory Of Our Sweet Hannah!

2008-11-16T19:19:00.000-05:00

Gestational Diabetes

2008-10-24T12:28:00.000-04:00

Well Today I'm 30 weeks and 2 days. It's hard to believe how fast this is going by. I went to the doctor last Friday to do my glucose test and found out on Wed. that I failed. So I made an appointment to go back yesterday morning and do that dreaded 3 hour long test. I called this morning and found out I failed that one too. So looks like now I have been labeled as a gestational diabetic. They are setting up an appointment at the hospital for me with the gestational diabetes group. I'm not sure what will all happen there but I'm sure I'll find out soon enough.

I'm gonna ask my doc about an amnio to do a mature lung test before he does the c-section. And the only reason I'll ask about that is becaise he wasn't to deliver her at 38w5d. I know by then their lungs are NORMALLY developed enough, but w/ GD they sometimes have a harder time and need to be on a vent. So I want to make sure he dosen't take her too soon, ya know.

I'm just gonna accept this and move on. And do my best to watch what I eat. This will be hard though.

What about my puddin pops?!?!?!
Sodas, and cake?
Who want's veggies and sugar free jello?

O'well not too much longer I guess I'll survive.

Here's a pic I just now took it this morning.

28 weeks......

2008-10-08T22:17:00.000-04:00

Well today I'm 28 weeks. It's so hard to believe. Things are going great. I'm growing and Hannah's on the move! Nothing much to report as far as my pregnancy goes. I go next Friday to have my gloucose test done. How exciting...just kidding!

Well this Saturday is a memorial service being held by the childrens hospital for all the babies lost in the NICU in the last little while. They called me back in the summer asking me if I would speak. I told them yes right off the bat. But then as time went on I became more and more nervous. I can't back out now it's like 3 days away. But what in the world will I say? I'll probably lose it up there. But I'll give it my best. Ya know what the weird thing is? This Saturday I'll be 28w3d pregnant with baby Hannah. And when I delivered Carly I was 28w3d pregnant. I went in for my appointment when I found out I was gonna have her at 2pm. And this weekend the service starts at 2pm. I don't know I just thought it was weird. Anyways, at the end of the service every parent of a child lost will release a live butterfly into the air at the Frazier Memorial Park. And then they will also serve refreshments. So say a little prayer for me Saturday that I won't trip over my words. Oh yeah...any advice on what to say?

Well tonight I got bored and painted my belly. Here's some pics.

25w2d Update on Growth

2008-09-19T22:30:00.000-04:00

Well I had my appointment today and thank God Hannah is now only 4 days behind and growing steady in the past 4 weeks! They are guessing her weight to be around 1 pound 9 ounces.

Well I'm feeling VERY tired these days! And the heartburn....All I can say is this baby BETTER have a head full of hair with all this heartburn. I can't breath well and trying to breath while lying down to sleep sure is a task. And my back...OUCH. Hannah has laid in a transverse breech position (sideways, feet at one hip and head at the other) the whole time. And this just about kills my back at all angles. No matter what I do or how many pillows or heating pads I use nothing helps. Nope not even warm bath, although those are still nice. No position I sit in is comfortable anymore and I'm not even that big. What i the world will I do when I'm 35-40 weeks? I'm not complaining I swear! I would take on this and 100 times more to know I'll have a healthy baby! Watch me eat my words before it's over! LOL Hannah has definitely become much more active! You can see my belly jump every time she kicks. It's like she's trying to dig er way out at times! But it's a wonderful feeling. Any how, we haven't done anymore work on the nursery. And now to be honest I'm kinda scared to climb in a chair to finish the boarder. So I think Ryan and his mom will finish that part.

Well it's late and I just got off from work so I think I'm gonna call it a night and get some rest. I'll update again soon.

22w4d

2008-08-31T13:18:00.000-04:00

Well it's been a little while since my last post. Things so far are okay. Little Miss Hannah has been such a wiggle worm. I absolutly love to feel her move. I could lay around for hours just feeling her. It's an amazing feeling to have this little person move around inside of you. I didn't feel Carly much at all. She may have kicked my cervix a total of 20 times and my belly MAYBE twice once that I'm sure of though. So this is quite some change. It's like all of this is completly new to me.

My days off from work are Wed. and Thur. of every week. The past 2 days I was off Ryan and I started on getting the nursery ready. Again sometihng new to me seeing as how we didn't get anything ready for Carly. We started off by clearing out the room and taking everything hanging on the wals off. I puttied the holes and sanded them. I painted the spots I puttied with paint from the attic. I knew all the paint from when we remodled was up there so I had Ryan get it for me. After I touched up the walls I kept going back to see how things were looking. Well needless to say things weren't looking quite right. Ryan assured me that wet paint always looks a little different and it would blend in after it dried. Well about 3 hours later it looked no different and my walls were splochy. I touched every single spot and they were all completly dry!!! I got to looking on the can of paint we used and noticed that we used the semi-gloss. See all of our walls in our house are the same color. And all the walls have benn painted with a flat paint. Except for the bathrooms and the garage (we turned it into a second den). So apparently the only paint we had left off the same color was the semi-gloss. And it looked horible on top of the flat paint. And we didn't hae enough to do the whole room. So Ryan and I had to go to Home Depot and grab enough paint to cover the walls in semi-gloss. This is really turning out to be more work than I imagined. Well after getting the paint and getting back home it was time to head out for Wed. Night Bible Study. By time I got back home it was almost 9:30. I was tired and ready for bed but Ryan talked me into getting the room tapped up so we could start painting the following morning. Well that led into lets just get one wall done, to well lets just finish out the paint left in the pan, to we only have one wall left lets just finish it now. So By 12am the room was completly painted. I was so exausted! And when I laied down to sleep Hannah though it would be a great time to wake up and play!!! I finally fell asleep 2 hours later. The next morning rolled around and we tried to put things together and put the room in some sort of orrder. We hung part of the boarder but I only bought one roll and it was definatley NOT enough. It only did one wall. So we still have the boarder to finish. And we still other odds and ends to do such as decorate the walls and recover the glider to match the room. And a few other things. And I'm sure I think of more as we work on it. We did get the crib last Thursday evening and I was super excited. I was so ready to put it together when we got it home. So excited I was willing to wait just a while longer to eat my dinner just to get it up! LOL Well I got it up and noticed it had no toddler rail or rails to turn it into a full size bed. I called the store the next day and they told me that I would have to buy both of the items sepertely. I was so shocked! I can't beleive I paied that much money for JUST a crib! The toddler rail is $60 and the big kid rails are $130. And I can't even get them now because I have to pay my card down some first seeing as how I maxed it out in one trip to Babies R Us. But hey....I got everything I need now! LOL

So here are some pics of the room as it is now. It's still not finished but hopefully it will be done in the next month or so.

This was what the room looked like after we made our boo-boo

My Intro...

2008-08-22T22:08:00.000-04:00

Well for those who know me this will be a very short repeat of info then off to new stuff. I became pregnant last year and was due to deliver our daughter Carly Nicole on 2/4/08. We had several complications. She had a brain defect that was known about while I was still pregnant. She was a very small baby. At 18 weeks she began to slow her growth or should I say they noticed that she was 2 weeks behind in growth. Well I was followed very close by a high risk OB. As time went on she grew less and less and eventually became stressed. I wound up with pre-eclampsia that wasn't noticed until I was admitted to the hospital. I delivered my daughter via C-section 12 weeks early at 28w3d. She weighed a whoping 13 ounces and was 10 inches long. Well as time went on she grew and started to become a "big" little baby. Six days shy of her 4 month birthday she passed away from a heart defect. We found out of the heart defect the day she passed. There was nothing we could do for her. She never came home but will remain in our hearts forever! If you want more info on that you can read her blog at carlynicoleelliotte.blogspot.com

Now new news for those who don't know me. After losing our daughter we became pregnant again one month later. Things with this pregnancy have been for the most part pretty good. I had my first ultrasound at 5 weeks and we got to see her little heart beat. She measured right on time from my LMP (last menstrual period). I had been seeing both my regular OB and a high risk OB because of my past pregnancy. So then I also had an ultrasound at 11 weeks, 14 weeks 15 weeks and 18 weeks. All of these ultrasounds show good growth and my latest one at 18 weeks also show no signs of any defects! So my high risk OB decides that seeing as how there are no known defects and the baby is measuring on time he can release me from his care. He tells me he only needs to see me again if the baby stops or slows her growth or something else comes up that needs to be tended to. This is just amazing to me! I can't beleive how big my belly has gotten at this time seeing as how when I was pregnant with Carly at the smae time I was so much smaller.

So today at my regular OB office I had my 20 week anatomy scan. The baby looks healthy and is such a little wiggle worm. We got to see her yawn during the ultrasound which was the cutest ting ever! I had Ryan video the whole thing. I post a link to it later. It always amazes me to see lil babies inside a mothers womb. Who can't beleive in God when seeing something so perfect and amazing? Well anyways at the end of the u/s the tech ask me what my EDD was. I told her it was 12/30/08. She said that according to her measurements she was getting an EDD of 1/5/09. That's 1 day shy of being a week behind in growth. She said they don't start to worry until they are 2 weeks or more behind in growth. Well I knew that already seeing as how I went through it with Carly. But it does have me concerned. On the 29th of July my scan came back fine with her measuring on time. And right about 3 weeks later she's measuring a week behind. I just pray that God keeps this litte girl healthy and allows her to grow and get the nutrients she needs. Right now according to the u/s she weighs 13 ounces. That what Carly weighed when I delivered her. So I know that's gotta be better some. I wonder if it's my uterus causing this? I have a bicournate or T shaped uterus. I've read that there is a higher risk for IUGR with women who become pregnant and have mis-shaped uterus. Well right now all I can do is pray an d lift Hannah up to the Lord. And I hope that if you are reading this blog that you too will do the same and pray for our little girl. I have another appointment on the 19th of September and hopefully I'll have some good news. But if she hasn't improved or has fallen futher behind in growth I'm sure I'll be making that trip back to the high risk OB. So just remember Ryan and I and this little innocent child that I'm carrying.

Here's my most recent pic. Not the prettiest pic of me but it's a pic none the less.
21 weeks

In Memory Of Our Sweet Carly!!

2008-04-06T01:33:00.000-04:00

2008-03-11T21:40:00.000-04:00

Thank you!!!

2008-03-11T01:09:00.000-04:00

Thank you to everyone who has been there for Carly, Ryan and myself. There are no words to describe the gratitude we have towards everyone.

Patti Flint....Carly's first nurse. She was so sweet. Always coming up with an idea to better help lil miss Carlys. (pleats in her diaper, batons in her hands to hold on to) she wrote Carly birthday cards and would stick them on her isolette. She was an amazing woman. Patti came the night Carly passed and helped Ryan and I to bathe her. She also got to have a lil snuggle time with her too. I love you Patti and Carly loved you too! (((((HUGS)))))

Melissa L.....Melissa was Carly's associate nurse until Patti had to resign from her do to another responsibility. So Melissa picked her up as her primary. She was great. She would come in in the morning and Carly would already be awake waiting on Melissa. She new that it was time for her morning conversation. Melissa was always wanting to do things that were in Carly's best interest. She is the one who finally let me start dressing lil Carly. O yeah I can't forget it was Melissa who helped my give Carly her first TUB bath! And Melissa not only took care of Carly she also took care of me. She befriended me and that's exactly what I needed while I was there with my baby girl. Thank you Melissa and we love you! (((((HUGS)))))

Monica Hicks.....What can I say? Monica was wonderful. She loved Carly. She always had good things to say about her. Monica let me hold my baby for the 1st time ever. I felt on top of the world. It was amazing! Monica always went the extra mile to comfort me and befriend me as well. She was always so gentle with Carly and always voiced her concerns to me. She helped me not to be afraid to speak up to the doctors. Thank you and we love you! (((((HUGS)))))

Mary Ruth.....Mary Ruth was her night time primary. She was great. She never missed a beat. She too loved miss Carly. She always gave me keepsakes to look back on. And one thing that really drew me to Mary Ruth was her ability to talk to me with out sugar coating thing. She told me how it was and that was it. I liked it that way. She was a big advocate for doing kangaroo care. Which I loved doing.I too feel like while we were there Mary Ruth befriend me as well. I love you Mary Ruth (((((HUGS))))

Amy Buran.....Amy is a very special God driven woman. She didn't work with Carly but maybe a couple of times. But she was there on the day she passed away. She kept Carly completely comfortable. And helped to comfort me, Ryan and our family. I couldn't have asked for anything more. She made the transition go as smooth as it possibly could. Amy thank you and we love you! ((((HUGS)))))

Amber from NPCN.....Amber was super nice. I was starting to wonder if I was ever meet a nurse that I liked over there. Then there she is. And she became a regular really fast. Amber was very nice and willing to do anything she could to help me or Carly out. Amber had a heart of gold and it showed very much. She would take the time out of her busy day to lotion Carly when she knew I couldn't bathe her because of her temp. Amber made being in the NPCN not such a scary thought anymore! Thanks Amber (((((HUGS)))))

Stephine....she was also a NPCN nurse and was very very sweet. She took very good care of Carly. Stephine was Carly's daytime primary nurse in the NPCN. She too did everything she could do to help take care of Carly. Thanks! (((((HUGS)))))

Dr. Chu.....Oh my God where do I start with her? Dr. Chu is amazing! She has always supported Carly and had lots of faith in her. She knew what kinda trooper Carly was. She is an outstanding doctor and makes the parents feel at home. She always spoke to me in a way that was understandable to me. She even at times would stop to have just an everyday conversation. Dr. Chu was there the day Carly wasn't feeling well. She comforted me and Ryan. And she assisted in letting our angel fly away to her heavenly father! I can't thank you enough Dr. Chu!! (((((HUGS)))))

Tony.....Tony is a great NNP! He was always there to help me and answer any questions I had (there was a lot of question) so I'm sure I keep him pretty busy! But that aside Tony really help me by allowing me to feel relaxed. He had this attitude about himself that put me in a good mood. Even if I was sad Tony knew just what to do to make me smile! I love you Tony! (((((HUGS)))))

The other doctors that helped in Carly's care were great as well. They all did an excellent job. And I would recommend this group of people to anyone!
Dr. Fisher was always laid back and very easy to talk to. He made me feel at home. Dr.Engstrum was a sweet man who cares and is willing to just stop and talk if that's what you need. Dr. Neal was Carly's first doctor and she was great. She didn't sugar coat a thing! It was straight forward and to the point. I loved her attitude and that smile would knock you off you feet. She had the most beautiful smile and just seeing that would make my day better. Dr. Hicky is one of the doctors that would catch me in the hall and talk to me. She was always there if I needed her and very nice and kind. Dr. Herman was great. I didn't get to see him often but when her was there he would lite up that room. Dr. Kusear well he was the admitting doctor the night Carly was born. Dr. Kusear was super sweet and would do all he could for me. Deb the NNP in the NPCN was great. She would jump right on what ever was bothering me. She was always there for me if I needed anything.

Now for my NICU buddies!!!!

Bri.....What in the world could I say about Bri! Bri had a baby DeAnna in the NICU. DD and Carly were NICU neighbors. Her baby had a heart defect and passed as well. Bri was one of my biggest supporters. We would hold each other when things were a little uneasy, get lunch together, hold our babies together. She is an amazing woman and gives off such a spirit about herself. God has truly placed her in my life! I love you Bri!!!! (((((HUGS)))))

Jamie and Jason.....they have twins in the NPCN right now, Ryan and Will. The are the cutest babies!! Their babies were born 2 weeks after Carly. They have been a part of my support system. We always met in the halls to discuss our babies, life in the NICU, life out if the NICU hopes and dreams. It's been great having them in our lives. They have really meant a lot to us! (((((HUGS)))))

Sheba.....Sheba, I met her while she was still pregnant. She was getting a tour of the NICU. About 3-4 weeks later I see her again. She delivered her sweet baby girl Amyia weighing only 1 pound 6 ounces. Sheba has been great support as well. She called me with questions, called to check up on Carly, and has truly been a blessing in our lives. Thank you! (((((HUGS)))))

Carly Has Gone Home To Be With Jesus

2008-03-11T00:17:00.000-04:00

As you all know Carly hasn't been filling good for a couple of days now. Well with all the testing that they did it all showed she was as healthy as could be. But I knew something was wrong with my baby girl. They did an echocardiogram to find that she had severe pulmonary hypertension. They were gonna give her nitrous oxide and Viagra to help with the pressures but noticed a heart defect in the meanwhile. They said the meds would cause the condition to get worse so we opted out for the meds. Well over time things progressively took a turn for the worse. The ventilator was on the highest setting (they were afraid that one of her lungs would pop)and she wasn't responding to it, so they put her back on the oscillator and she didn't like that at all so it was back to the conventional vent and then they did wind up adding the nitrous oxide just to help some with comfort (not sure what all that meant) she was placed on a type of medicine that paralyzes her body to keep her from fighting against the vent. She was also given a continuous drip of pain medicine to take away all her pain. I got to hold my sweet baby in my arms and love on her and talk to her. We held on to her for about 6 hours. By this time all of her family and friends had came to pay their last visits. We asked everyone to step out. Once the room was clear Dr Chu came over and helped the nurses take off the leads and wires. She first turned off the vent before removing her breathing tube. Everything was removed all but her IV for pain meds. I put her on my chest...the way she LOVED to be held and rocked with her and talked to her. I knew she was already gone but I wanted to keep holding her. I gave her lots of kisses and lots of love. I called Dr. Chu over to check her and she called the time of death at 1am. Once this had been called we had the IV that was giving pain meds removed. Now I have my baby without ANY wires or tubes! This was one of the hardest things I think I've ever had to do. I sat there and held this dead child that I brought into this world weighing only 13 ounces and basically watched her first lashes, fingernails and bootie grow in! It was hard to believe that the baby I was holding was my baby. So lifeless. I held her for a long time before letting her go long enough to get her last bath. Her Nurse Patti who loved her SO much came to help with her bath. And her daddy helped to. This was hard to bath and dress my baby knowing this would be the last time. We got her dressed very pretty and I got to walk her across the room. I've NEVER been able to walk my daughter any where, not even 10 steps away. SO this was nice to be able to walk with my daughter in my arms. We sat down and snuggled some more and allowed family to come in one at a time to hold Carly for one last time. After everyone was finished we took her back and laid her in her bed. We removed her pretty dress (she would us this for burial) and put a onesie back on her. We also took more pictures and got her hand and feet prints again. I laid down there with he as much as I could on the small open warmer they had her on. This was the hardest part of all......walking out of the NICU. Knowing that this time I not just leaving to go home go to sleep and return in the morning for a new day. This time I'm walking out of those doors forever. I had my last kiss, my last hug, my last every thing my last holding of hands, my touch, that is the last touch before the funeral home adds all their makeup and stuff.

Carly was a fighter. She fought from day one when the doctors said that the breathing tube wouldn't fit a 13 ounce baby, she proved them wrong!! Go Carly! When she had pneumonia she fought through that not even weighing a pound, she fought through 2 bouts of e-coli sepsis. She fought even when she had a broken leg, she was a trooper though out her eye surgery and proved to us that she wasn't gonna keep that stupid vent that she was a big girl and wanted her high flow back! Carly had many blood transfusions and a spinal tap. Several ultrasounds and x-rays. Through all that it didn't get her down or weaken her tiny spirit. She was one strong cookie!

I loved Carly with all my heart. I don't think I've ever know a love so real.I watched this angel grow and develop before my eyes. She's amazing. I remember the first time I held her. Still only 13 ounces Nurse Patti asked me if I wanted to hold her up off of her bed long enough for her to change her sheets. I did and was overwhelmed with joy. It was an amazing moment. The first time I held her TINY had I just cried. She felt sticky like a little tree frog. We had lots of good times together. I got to give her baths in her bed, and one day Nurse Melissa talked my into pulling her out and putting her in a tub without her leads! Talk about scary. But it was nice. Even though she pooed every chance she got....yes even in the water!
Seeing her finally come off the ventilator and on to cpap was nice. I was extremely nervous and stayed there all day for 6 days. That looked like the most uncomfortable contraption on her her. Then she graduated to the high flow nasal cannula where she did great! Not much longer she was big enough to start dressing and I put some of the cutest outfits on her! I LOVED to dress her. Then it was off to the NPCN for the 2nd time. She got to know some nurses that were really sweet. We got to take her out for her weight every night. I loved it because I could get to her face and give her kisses and talk to her and tell her how much I loved her. She got to where she would let out the small cries when she was out there. It was kinda cute. Well it was almost more like cues than cries. But cute none the less. The NPCN was nice and quite and I held her a lot in the past weeks before her return home. She was starting to do big things. She was starting to hold her head up, she was turning her head from side to side in a laying position and moving her hands and arms more. She had started tracking things and people with her eyes. And in her last few weeks she had gotten really perky and was awake a lot and you could at times see her smiling with her eyes. Carly was a true blessing. I'm so glad God has given her to me for the amount of time He has. I know know a different kinda love! A love that I'll NEVER forget. She was an absolute joy. I looked forward to seeing her everyday and every night! And now I'll look forward everyday and every night to that day coming when we'll meet again!

Heart Defect

2008-03-08T15:31:00.000-05:00

Well I just got back from the hospital. They did a echocardiogram and found very high pressures in there (pulmonary hypertension). They were about to put her on nitrous oxide again along with viagra. But the more they looked at the pictures from the echo they began to notice something. They have noticed a heart defect. The right side of her heart apears to be normal but the left side (the side that returns the blood to the lung) is abnormal. Dr. Starns is pretty sure this is what's been going on. But he wants another cardiologist to review the echo. If they can make the diagnosis with the pictures alone then we will just have to wait till she gets bigger for heart surgery. If they can not make the diagnosis with just the echo pictures then they will be sending her down to the cath lab to have a heart cath to try and diagnosis it. Regardless if it is what they say it is she will have to have surgery to repair it. There are no meds to help it. And if it isn't fixed her lung could overfill with blood and send her into congestive heart failure which could kill her. So they did not put her on the nitrous or the viagra because they said it could cause things to get worse. So they put her back on the ventilator to help with the pressures. She's at 100% oxygen a rate of 35 and 14 pressure. She is still sating in the 80-low 90's but they need them to stay above 95. She will have to stay on the vent until she can have her heart fixed. They said she's still to small for the surgery and too small to be put on the bypass machine. I think she has to be over 5 pounds first. This is going to be a VERY VERY VERY long NICU stay. I'm guessing now that we have at least another 4 months or so ahead of us. Please keep Carly in your prayers. She's been through a lot and still has quite a few hurdles to jump. I'll have more info on her heart probably this Monday. She did at least get all her old primary nurses back in the NICU. I'll post a new update soon.

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